“WHEN I GET MY STRIPES”
by OPOVV, ©2014
(Aug. 9, 2014) — “Anybody knows what’s going on?”
“You mind being a little more specific, Nelson? ‘Going on’. Now what the heck does that mean? Going on where? In the Horsehead Nebula? The Great Barrier Reef? Your mother’s kitchen?”
“Going on here, where else? And you leave my mother out of this. Look, Corporal, I have a right to know what’s going on, that’s all.”
“Wrong, Nelson, you gave up your rights when you joined up, and now that you’re here, you just keep your mouth shut and do what you’re told.”
“Gee, is that what happens when someone makes rank, they become prima-donnas? When I get my stripes I’m going to say stuff like, ‘Everyone gets a weekend pass, every weekend, and maybe just show up for muster at noon Monday and then it’s sack-time until Friday, when it starts all over again. That’s what I’ll do.”
“Can it, here comes the Lieutenant. Everyone look sharp.”
“Come to attention out here, behind this berm next to this sewage canal? You kidding?”
“It’s a dike and it’s next to an irrigation ditch, and you can at least act like you’re at attention, even if you’re not.”
“I can visualize my court martial: PFC Nelson is hereby charged with insubordination for failure to please the ‘powers-that-be’ by not conforming to the proper method of coming-to-attention while being motored and shot at in combat.”
“You ain’t being shot at.”
“You just wait. They know we’re here. It’s just a matter of time before they do. Hey, Lieutenant, what’s the word?”
The Lieutenant comes to s sliding stop after running from a crouch.
“The word, PFC Nelson, is that you’re supposed to come to attention when addressing an officer and a gentleman.”
“Sir, forgive me for not standing, but over there, on the other side of this sweet-smelling ‘irrigation ditch’, are people who want to shoot me.”
“Shoot you? Why would they want to shoot you, PFC Nelson? You give them any reason to shoot you? You’ve been giving them hand gestures, perhaps?”
“No, Sir, not me. Why, we was just talking about taking the week off.”
“Oh, so you’re back on ‘When I get my stripes’. I suppose when you become president you’ll send everyone home?”
“Sir, the ‘Sir’ is correct, Sir. What are we doing here anyway? Do you think for one minute we’re winning any ‘hearts-and-minds’? Why, they’ll just take our money and weapons and shoot us in the back as we leave, and then kill every girl who we sent to the schools we’ve built.”
“Is that all, Nelson? Are you finished? What are you, a ‘Birther’ or something? Answer me.”
“Sir, yes, Sir, I am a Birther and I believe in the Constitution and we’re just wasting our time here. They hate us, Sir. Sure, they take our weapons and food and money and think we’re weak. We should get out and nuke ’em all. They’d do it to us.”
“Nelson, come to attention.”
“I ain’t standing up. I’ll come to attention hiding behind this berm but I’m not going to commit suicide.”
The Lieutenant stands and, as he’s about to say something, he takes a round in his head. He’s dead before he hits the ground.