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by OPOVV, ©2014

A depiction of the tarring and feathering of “the Excise Man” by Boston coloniials, 1774

(Jun. 23, 2014) — Interviewer: “Hello and welcome to ‘Entrepreneurship in America.’ Our guest today is a man who has a great idea, so let’s cut to the chase and find out more. Robert, welcome to the show.”

Robert: “Thank you for having me. My wife thinks my idea is crazy but I say the time is ripe.”

Interviewer: “I see you brought one of your contraptions with you. Will you please tell the listeners how it works?”

Robert: “Not at all. Proud to show it to you. First of all, if you’ll go to my website you’ll be able to download the plans for free.”

Interviewer: “That was the first thing I noticed about your website, that this whole thing is for free; that it can be put together by regular household tools; that it’s portable and made with everything you can buy at a home-improvement store for, really, not much money.”

Robert: “Well, not expensive, except for the ‘delivery system,’ but you could rent one if you had to.”

Interviewer: “By ‘delivery system’ you mean, of course, a pick-up truck. This model is a full-sized one, but it looks like the contraption will easily fit into a smaller truck.”

Robert: “That’s right. As a matter-of-fact, it was designed for a small truck. And it’ll fit into just about anything, as long as you can get good ventilation. A used milk truck would work, too.”

Interviewer: “I see this is the ‘Camper’ model, but I also saw an ‘Industrial’ model, along with a ‘Trainer’ one. Would you please explain the differences?”

Robert: “I’d be glad to. This-here model, the ‘Camper,’ is for your local police, school board members, county commissioners, election board employees:  you know, the ‘small fries,’ but still worthy of our attention.

“The ‘Trainer’ was designed for one, that is to say, for just one person rather than a group, which is why there’s only one mop and one feather-pillow needed.  Take that cop, for instance, who killed the dog. Now there’s a psychopath if we ever saw one. He’s a prime candidate for this machine.

“The largest model is the ‘Industrial,’ which is designed to be set up on steps, a very unique design. Actually, the ‘Industrial’ was my first design, because the initial goal was to do all the, wait, this is a family show, right?”

Interviewer: “Ah, yes it is. Let me finish your statement for you: ‘Because the initial goal was to dish out the required justice to our sleazy and corrupt politicians.’ Does that about cover it?”

Robert: “Well, yes and no. I mean, I know that some words are not to be used in ‘mixed company,’ but to call yellow-bellied, yellow-streaked, mealy-mouthed politicians who are traitors by omission…”

Interviewer: “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but what do you mean by ‘omission’?”

Robert: “By not calling Obama out on being an ineligible. I mean, being un-Constitutionally qualified to be a government employee. And the Attorney General, Eric Holder, for not doing his job. Holder breaks more laws that he enforces. I don’t think he even knows what the word ‘enforce’ means. And then we have the IRS. Every American, politicians too, must support abolishing the IRS and the Department of Homeland Security which, as we all know, is nothing but a Muslim relocating service or, more specifically, a Muslim Brotherhood relocating Service.”

Interviewer: “Great. I see you know your mind. Okay, how does this machine actually work?”

Robert: “Basically, it’s really easy, as long as you remember the ‘Prime Safety Rule #1.’ Rule #1 is to not let the wet mop touch any flame. And the rest is straightforward. First, you must determine how many you’re going to, ah, ‘do’ and melt how many pounds you will need. I figure 5 lbs. per person and at least one pillow. So one police chief and three county commissioners would require 20 lbs. of tar and, let’s make it 10 pillows.”

Interviewer: “That sounds easy enough. By the way, what do you call this contraption?”

Robert: “I was going to call it ‘The Period on Justice,’ but then I decided on ‘Affordable and Dependable Tar and Feather Machine,’ or ‘ADA-TARF’.”

Interviewer: “Yes. Well, time’s up. Thank you for your time, Robert. Let’s get together after the show and we’ll work on the name of your contraption. And thank you for making it easy and affordable to tar and feather those who really need it. Your contraption has the ability to make this a better world. Thank you, Robert.”

Robert: “Thank you for having me. Visit my website, you people out there in ‘Radio-Land.’ And if nothing else, all you may need to do is just park out in front of City Hall to spread the message. Make them smell the tar while they’re in there stealing and lying. Thanks for having me.”

Interviewer: “And that’s our show, folks. Tomorrow we’ll interview a Shaman from the Amazon jungle who’ll explain that the power of ‘love’ is the most powerful ‘weapon’ a human being has in his quiver of life.

Good night.”


Semper Fi


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