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“I DON’T KNOW HOW”
by OPOVV, ©2014
(Jan. 20, 2014) — “Thank you for calling government office (fill-in-the-blank, pun intended). All of our lines are busy and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Thank you for your patience.”
“I see you’re still waiting. Let me remind you that there are many people who may have bigger problems and/or concerns than you. If you do not have something positive to say and/or to report, if you just want to vent, this is not the time or forum. We work just to please you and if you can’t understand our basic premise that we are just hardworking public servants, please reevaluate the reason that you are calling.”
“Thanks to your thoughtlessness, this particular line has been tied up for 97 minutes. There are a number of employees in this office who have been denied access because of your incessant waiting. Waiting for what? You think we care about your little insignificant petty problems? Dream on. We have mothers, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends to call. We have gossip to relay to our fellow employees. We have important stuff while you, well, get off this line and go write a letter. Give our wastepaper disposal people some meaning to their “phony-baloney jobs. This line will disconnect in 30 minutes. Sorry we couldn’t take your call. Your call is important to us. Please call back. Have a nice day.”
The “Faceless Ones,” “Nameless Ones,” “Those Who Hide”: I’m sick and tired of government employees afraid to come out from under the rock under which they hide. In the future, I want each and every government employee to answer the phone thusly:
“Hello. Thank you for calling the office of (fill-in-the blank, pun intended). My name is Anita Smith. My home address is 101 Maple Avenue, Zip 78-78. My cell phone number is (xxx)-xxx-xxxx. Obviously I’m an Obama supporter and don’t believe in our way of life, don’t like Veterans or the Bill of Rights. I don’t think because I don’t know how. I’m a product of our nation’s public schools so I’m not well-read because I never understood the power of the public library.
“I’d really like to assist you, but since you may not be an Obot, I can’t afford to take the chance. My job means more to me than upholding my Oath to defend and protect the Constitution. My job is my life and I’m not going to jeopardize it in any way, even if it means violating yours or others’ constitutional rights. Now how may I help you or direct your call?”
“Thank you for calling the DOJ. If you are a Muslim and feel that you have been slighted in some way, maybe your neighbor walks his dog past your house every day, please stay on the line and someone will get to you ASAP. If you are an Infidel, take a hike. Write your congressperson, for all the good it’ll do you.”
“This ain’t America no more.”