“I DID IT MY WAY”
by OPOVV, ©2014
(Jan. 7, 2014) — ACT I
The curtain rises on a brightly-lit stage that features a showboat about to debark. The marching band is playing “76 Trombones” as it marches back and forth across the stage. There’s a crowd of 30 standing around when one of them shouts, “Here he comes!”
A man dressed as Col. Sanders enters from stage left.
Calls of “Welcome, Senator!” and “Bon Voyage!” ring out as the music fades away.
The Senator hops up on a milk carton, hands on his lapels, and starts to speak.
“Friends! Thank you for this grandiose farewell. Not even in the days of Caesar did anyone have such a heartfelt send-off.”
“Cut the hot air, Senator! What you going to do for us when you get up there?” says someone from the crowd.
“Why, I’m so glad you asked. Here’s what I’m going to do.”
The Senator breaks into song with the melody of “Danny Boy.”
“I’m going to go,
To the city of my call’ng
Where I’ll take the bribes
That come my way.
I’ll be so ever grateful
And vote the way I’m told.
I’ll do graft,
And take the kickbacks.
And when I feel
That I’ve done wrong
I’ll just look at my bank account
And when I go back home
I’ll be a rich’n.
And thank you for
Vote’n for me.”
The Senator jumps down from the milk carton and skips up the gangplank (stage right) amidst great laughter and applause as the curtain is lowered.
ACT II
The stage is set as an office. Through one window is a view of the Capitol building. Numerous posters with “Reelect Our Homeboy!” are leaning on the walls. As the curtain rises, so, too, does the Senator from his chair. The Senator paces about and then stops, looks at the audience, and starts to sing to the tune of “Me and My Shadow.”
“Me and my conscience
Are not one and the same.
I’ve spent six years
Playing the Politician’s game.
I, too, served with honor in our military
And even though we all knew we were expendable
We’d never have thought we’d be left to die in
A rotten hole like Benghazi.
That Hillary, she sure don’t have no conscience.”
Secretary with memo pad enters from stage right.
“I’m ready to take your dictation, Senator.”
“Oh? Oh, yes, of course. Let me see now. “To the Good People of the State of” and so on. “I have served you to the best of my ability. Since I now have full retirement and health benefits, I feel that I can serve you better from the private sector, mainly on my new fishing yacht, thanks to my vote giving the license to an unnamed aircraft manufacturer to build in China, thereby giving the Chinese the expertise to match our capabilities tit-for-tat, for which I’ll be forever sorry for, except, naturally, for my boat…”
“No, strike that. Matter of fact, let’s just say ‘Health reasons prevent me from the stress of a reelection campaign due to the advice of my physician.” How’s that sound?”
“That sounds just wonderful, Senator,” replies the secretary, as she crosses, and then re-crosses, her legs.
“But you know what?” asks the Senator as he looks at the secretary, “I’m glad I’m getting out. Following the orders of the Party by not coming to LTC Terry Lakin’s defense was indefensible, but this Benghazi thing, I mean, men who could’ve been saved, who called for help, well, they were ignored by a deal that was made with the Devil.”
Secretary exits stage right as the Senator breaks into song with the “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” melody.
“I left my integrity
Somewhere in the gutter.
Down where I shouldn’t have gone
Out on the windy sea.
But that fancy yacht was so new and pristine
That I’d be hard-pressed just to say ‘NO’.
So I voted and let Hillary slide
And that is my Great Regret
Which is why I’m leaving.
I’m going home to the place
I never should’ve left.”
Curtain lowers.
ACT III
Curtain rises revealing a television studio. There are five chairs in a semi-circle facing the audience. The Senator is in the middle chair flanked by news people. The MC approaches from stage left to the tune of “I’m Sorry” by Connie Francis.
The MC remarks, “Real funny. Cut it.”
The music stops as a stage hand appears from right counting down with left hand, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
“Welcome to Sunday morning’s ‘Meet our Senators’. Today we are honored with a Senator who is not seeking reelection. Let the questions begin,” announces the MC as he leaves stage left.
An elderly woman asks the first question, “Senator, why are you leaving the Senate? You’ve done everything your Party asked of you; surely they’ll support your reelection.”
The Senator replies, “Yes, thank you. It was with the deepest regret that I can no longer serve the good folks back home, but I’ve got to follow the doctor’s orders.”
“Senator,” asks another, “Do you have any regrets? Maybe some things you wish you could do over again?”
The Senator chuckles, “No, no. No regrets. Some things are just unavoidable, like that Lakin thing and Benghazi, but we’re still a great and powerful democracy and I’ve never felt prouder than when Hillary said she wished I was in better health to be her campaign manager but that’s, unfortunately, just not in the cards, I’m sorry to say.”
Senator stands up and walks to stage front center as the stage lights go out. One spotlight on the Senator, from behind and below up to the head, is giving a ’halo’ effect from the front. The Senator starts to sing to the tune of “My Way.”
“Yes, I’ve made a few good deals
Lined my pockets
Done what I was told to,
Never mentioned ‘eligibility’
Toed the line
Had a great time
And did it my way.
Regrets? Well, no, since I was never caught.
Got away with a lot, looked the other way
And did it MY WAY!”
The Senator stops singing, looks at the audience, turns and skips offstage right as the curtain is lowered.
FINI
OPOVV