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by Jim Campbell, blogging at http://dancingczars.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/epa-ordered-to-back-off-co2-emissions/

Washington, D.C.

In a sharp reversal of priorities, the US Justice Department has ordered Carol Browner, Director of the White House Office of Energy and Climate Change Policy, to advise the current EPA Administrator, Lisa Jackson to raise the proposed caps on carbon emissions and put off their gradual implementation until 2018.  Browner had been  the longest-serving administrator in the history of the EPA, staying through both terms of the Clinton presidency.

“The current economic downturn is not the appropriate time to begin an entire new tax program on energy  use and production,” said an unnamed White House Source. (This is an admission that proposed cap and trade legislation causes increased taxes and will cut more jobs. If I get it, why don’t the bozos writing the bill get it? J.C.)

The burden of the EPA regulations will be paid for by every American. The regulations would have the same impact on GDP and employment as would a major new energy tax as passed through cap and trade, but they would be worse, since they would entail more compliance, administrative, and legal costs. All in all, they would be a bad deal for American consumers.

This has resulted in an excellent opportunity to create new “green jobs” and a shift in attitude toward the twenty-seven coal mining states by former Vice-President Al Gore.  With his Cap and Trade legislation apparently dead in the Senate, Gore began a new consortium, Breathe Right For America.

Using  a very well-tested underwater breathing apparatus that requires the diver to breathe into what is called a closed circuit instead of emitting bubbles as he dives, the divers breath and subsequent Co2 emission go through a scrubbing process removing the CO2 from the gas mixture allowing the diver significantly longer dive times without making any noise our bubbles.  Rebreathers, as they are called, are used by underwater photographers and our special forces during missions that require absolute silence and no visible bubbles.  Though weightless underwater, on land they weigh with filled tanks about seventy pounds.

The former vice president’s consortium, backed by The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and Warren Buffett are the principal movers behind this venture. Scientists and engineers have been working in a Manhattan Project frenzy to miniaturize the technology so that it will be the size of an I Pod Touch and will include I Pod technology.  The only difference will be that every user will be required to wear an oxygen mask that breathes back into the rebreather  having their Co2 laden breath scrubbed using nano-coal technology.

According to Chief Scientist and Engineer, Anita Dicken, this project must be completed within three months. This requires a manufacturing ramp up of 2 million units per day in anticipation of H.B. OU812 passed in the house and to be decided in bi-partisan fashion before the November elections.

This technology represents a win-win for all involved. The environmentalists will love it! Models are also being developed for cattle, (a rear end hook up), the coal miners, and the coal mining lobby.  Al Gore will make millions moreSteve Jobs will sell untold numbers of new I Pods while Warren Buffett will own a majority voting share of the company. All liberal Democrats will be excited as once again they will have passed a bill that will do nothing.

The most significant problem with rebreather technology is that the diver may become relaxed and fall asleep and eventually drowned.  This would not effect many members of the 111th Democratic Congress that voted on the recent Health Care Denial Bill because the vast majority of them have been brain dead since the late sixties.  April Fool’s from Me2U.

Parodies Unlimited LLC

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