by Roving Reporter, ©2022

The Albert Pike Memorial vandalized by BLM (Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0)

(Oct. 14, 2022) — “If I were a Carpenter” (2:27)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s guest is the event programmer for Big Tech, the person who books the halls, hires the valet parking attendants, caterers, and skybox reservations. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Let me introduce Sam Harks, the mover behind the scenes.”

“Thank you for the in-depth and kind introduction, Roving. I’ve been a fan of ‘Pulse’ from back when you were in Chicago-land, hustling commuters for their time.”

“Clever way of describing my job. So, you said that you had a problem of some sort; care to explain?”

“The Dems hired me to rent a space for one of their meetings and the venue offered very limited signage opportunities, so I had to wing it.”

“How so?”

“Since I only had a limited amount of space, I first tried ‘Democratic Convention,’ but that upset the far left so I tried ‘Communist Convention’ and that upset the so-called moderates.”

“So, what was your solution to please the nuts?”

“I just combined the two words, and they liked it immediately. Matter of fact, the first call was to have new napkins imprinted with ‘2022 Commucrat Convention.’ How about that?”

“Very impressive. Are you leaving? Thanks for the info. We’ll break for a quick commercial.”

Too Hot” (4:53)

“And we’re back with Miss Judy Sorenson who is the, well, let’s have her tell what she does. Welcome to the show, Miss Judy.”

“And thank you for letting me state the obvious. How anyone can vote Communist is beyond me. In reality, the Dems should get a total of zero votes. The CCP has contacted me and we’ve struck a rather profitable deal: for everyone who votes Dem, we send them to China. We get rid of the traitors, China gains slave labor, and that way, everyone gets what they want.”

“Well, Miss Judy, I really admire your idea, but will it work?”

“We think it will, and here’s why. America is on a cartoon attention span, meaning they don’t have the patience to wait around for whatever they want, right? So, all we do is give them what they want right away. China gets cheap labor; the Dem voters get Communist rule; we get the Red Wave; and we get Patriotic Americans and our country back.”

“I like it. But how…?”

“The fact is, Roving, only a complete fool would trade living in the USA over living in China. End of story.”

“Yes, I think we get the picture. Well, thank you for stating the obvious: the Dems talk the talk but are afraid to walk the walk. Be right back after this message from our sponsors.”

June Night” (2:48)

“Our last guest just passed his bar exam and has an interesting idea to raise money to pay off his student debt. Please state your name and clue us in, if you would, please.”

“Name is Winston Hamilton III and my idea is to sue the statue destroyers, the beheaders and topplers. And I won’t subpoena them if they send me ten grand. I have them all, dead to rights. Facial recognition is what did it. I have their names and addresses, dates, everything and will be sending out letters of introduction next week.”

“That should wake them up.”

“But it gets even better: I’ll split the proceeds with whoever was damaged monetarily. Let’s say a township spent a hundred grand on a statue: well, I’ll pay it off and keep the rest. Now for those who don’t wish to pay me up front, I’ll take them to court and sue for full damages. Either way, I and the people win.”

The Albert Pike Memorial before it was vandalized in June 2020 (Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 2.0)

“What a brilliant idea. I hope it works out for you.”

“I’d just like to add that, not to be vindictive, I’ll give the guilty six months to repair or replace any damaged statue and I’ll wipe the slate clean. If not, well, off to court we go; after all, there’s got to be a price for stupidity.”

“Good for you. I’d just like to say that the jury award against Alex Jones was nothing less than a blow to our First Amendment. The moral? Don’t you dare criticize the government. And with that this is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of Winston here, wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Deep River Blues” (3:43)

Roving Reporter

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