The Reluctant Actor (RR)

by OPOVV, ©2020

(Nov. 23, 2020) — “Les Yeux Noirs” (2:08)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Thank you so much for joining us, broadcasting via the General‘s shortwave set located in his man-cave where there’s suits of amour and various battlefield weapons such as pike and mace, crossbow and, above the fireplace, a lance. With us today is a man who needs no introduction, a man who has been a matinée idol for the past decade or more, the man who made Zorro the hero of many a kid and the dashing man that the girls want to meet, Mr. ‘Z’ himself. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ Mr. Z.”

“Please, Roving, call me ‘Z’; all my friends do and, since I used to watch you on the tube or read most of the transcripts of the show, I feel as if I know you.”

“Well, gee, I never saw one of your films, but I’ll take the compliment, anyway; sorry, can’t say the same for you because I never saw one of your films.”

“That’s okay; besides, I’m not a movie actor; I’m a stage actor: you know, the ‘one-take’ kind.”

“Oh, really? How do you do all that riding on stage?”

“You mean ride a real horse? No, no horse; I use a broomstick with a cutout of a horse’s head on the handle. It’s a white broom handle with the original yellow straw.”

“Look, I’m having a hard time, if you don’t mind. Pardon me, but this seems like a set-up; I mean, I don’t believe you’re for real.”

“No, I’m for real; I’m a real actor and this is no ‘set-up,’ as you said. I really do play Zorro and been very successful, by the way: over five hundred performances.”

“Golly; I had no idea. So how goes it, I mean, with the face-mask stupidity and all.”

“Well, that’s just it, isn’t it? Usually the theater seats 300 but with this China-19 we’re only allowed less than half that. But that’s not the real problem.”

“No? Then what is?”

“It just doesn’t work for the character, is why. I mean, Zorro wears a mask to start, right? So this other mask is just overkill. Two masks; outrageous, I say! Might as well wear a bag over my head.”

“Calm yourself, Mr. Z, please.”

“But the China-19 virus is very small, you understand, so small that these stupid face masks don’t do anything, now, do they? You know what it’s like? It’s like trying to keep mosquitoes out by using wood lattice, that’s what. Face it, masks are useless and I refuse to wear one, doubly while I’m in character, so there.”

“But they’re not supposed to, not really; I mean, they’re not designed to keep the virus out (because the virus is so very, very small) but rather make us bow to the dictates of Big Brother; isn’t that so? I think that even our dumbest mayors and governors know that the masks are but a symbol of their power over us.”

“Yes, it is so and I, for one, am royally sick of it, okay? And then next they’ll want our guns; isn’t that right?”

“Yes, I think you’re on the right track. Excuse us while we take a commercial break.”

“I Love You” (2:38)

“Never; they’ll never take our guns; why, it’ll leave us defenseless, at the mercy of the goons, both civilian and official, as what happened and continues to be happening in Venezuela. All the veneers of civilization peeled away so all that’s left are armed gangs who rape, steal and murder with abandon.”

“What about the police?”

“Surely you jest; the police are just as big a problem as the gangs, so much so that you can’t tell them apart, except the police drive around in armored personal carriers and the gangs in SUV’s. The mayors will send the police to confiscate our weapons; the police who are not Veterans will be going up against Veterans. Offhand, if I were a policeman I would find some other line of work that sends you home at the end of the day rather than to the morgue.”

“I understand the gist of it..”

“This is what Biden-Harris has in store for Americans, sad to say. The only way out of this quagmire is to support Trump all the way, because if he fails America fails and the first thing they’ll do is confiscate our guns, of that you can be sure.”

“And we’ll end up like Venezuela, another Third World cesspool. Now will you just look at the time? So now it’s time for me to thank you for being on the show, ‘Z,’ and I’ll be saying goodnight to our audience: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[FYI: ‘Pulse’ is blessed with a number of qualified contributors such as Madam Shylock; Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky; The General; Professor Wert; Bishop Dunkin; Chief New Leaf; Henry, the Ambassador of Zyklon; Roving Reporter (RR); our apologies if we missed anyone; and a shout-out to our editor and publisher.] 

“My Creole Belle” (2:31)

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