“TO BE DETERMINED”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Feb. 14, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a special edition of ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ where we’re broadcasting from the Track & Field Athletic Center here at the university. What is happening is that there’s a track meet and there seems to be some discussion about a male wanting to compete in some female competition. And if you’ll follow me this way – watch your step – there seems to be some commotion over at this card table. Oh, look, there’s Zork.”
“Oh, hello, there, Roving and crew. Ah, excuse me, Roving, but since we’re not in my office, would you please address me as ‘Professor Zorkophsky?’ I mean, some of these people are my students, okay?”
“Oh, sure; sorry. So, what’s going on?”
“We have a young man who wishes to compete in the 100-yard dash as a female, is what’s happening, and he insists that he – it – has ‘rights, so they asked me to determine whether he does or not.”
“Does or not what?”
“Just stand back a little bit and watch.
“May I have your attention, please? Hello? Everybody, please be quiet and pay attention, for history may be made here today. Most of you here know who I am but for those that don’t, I’m Professor Zorkophsky and I have been asked – tasked – with determining whether this person is indeed female in spirit as he says he is.”
“I’m a she, Professor Zorkophsky.”
“You need a shave. Now, as I was saying, I’m going to determine whether this young male has what it takes to pass as a transgendered person. Now, everyone who is to compete in the 100-yard dash for girls, please step over to this table. So we have five young ladies and one, what? Trans? And one to be determined.
“As you can see, there are scissors, tape, wrapping paper and a box. The girls and the other will wrap the boxes with the paper and then we’ll put numbers on them and present them to the judges who are across the field, and if they can’t determine which box was wrapped by the transgendered then we’ll let him compete. Now, does that seem fair? You girls are laughing; why are you laughing?”
“You’re pretty smart, Professor Zorkophsky. There’s not a boy, man, guy in the world who can wrap a Christmas present worth a hoot. This is, without a doubt, the most accurate test ever devised.”
Molly, our secretary, will now insert a song in lieu of a commercial.
“Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime” (2:40)
“We’re back, and now across the way the judges are looking at the packages that have been wrapped by the five girls and the person who wants to compete as a girl. Oh, the judges are about to a make an announcement.”
“I see that we have quite an audience; we even have ‘Pulse’ TV here. Professor Zorkophsky has come up with a truly foolproof test to determine if a male — who identifies as a female — can wrap a present. We had six contestants wrap six individual packages and five were done in a neat and conscientious manner, worthy of a professional gift-wrapper at a department store at Christmastime.
“The package that was of unacceptable quality was the package that was wrapped by the person who identifies as a female, which means that a scam is being perpetrated upon this competition and I have no choice but to disqualify this person from this track meet. And we wish to thank Professor Zorkophsky for exposing the fraud. Had the young man been able to wrap the box as well as any of the girls it would have been a different conclusion. That is our ruling and it is final.”
“Well, how about that? This is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of the crew, signing off from the track and field meet here at the university.”
“China Girl” (4:05)
Sharon Rondeau has operated The Post & Email since April 2010, focusing on the Obama birth certificate investigation and other government corruption news. She has reported prolifically on constitutional violations within Tennessee’s prison and judicial systems.