“WAITING FOR THE BAND”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Aug. 11, 2019) — ACT I
The stage is set as the bridge of a US NAVY destroyer. The actors are dressed in khakis and dungarees.
“Cheryl’s Going Home” (2:05)
“Let go all lines.”
“Aren’t we supposed to have the Navy Band to send us off?”
“You know, you’re right. Belay that last order.”
“Single-up all lines.”
“What about the rat guards?”
“Better put them on; no telling how long we’re going to have to wait. By the way, who’s in charge of scheduling bands?”
“That would be the Chaplain, Sir.”
“Call him up; use the 1MC.”
“Chaplain, report to the bridge.”
“Chaplain reporting, Sir.”
“I don’t see a band out there and I don’t hear any send-off music. What gives?”
“Begging your pardon, Sir, the current news cycle has gone overboard on some lowlife underage-girl-molester dying in jail.”
“So? If he was sent to prison he’d die there, too, so what’s the big deal?”
“It’s a show of power that our adversary has over us: we know Jeffrey Epstein’s dying isn’t important – that no one gives a hoot about – but it is a distraction. As long as the really important issues that affect us all aren’t discussed, they win, and they’re winning.”
“That’s well and good, but that doesn’t explain why we don’t have a band to send us on our way. What if we get sunk? What an embarrassment that would be: ‘NAVY Sends Ship to its Doom Without Farewell Fanfare.’ Be a black mark on the Navy. The Stars & Stripes might make the Navy look bad, and they do it, too, those Army and Air Force lovers. Why, they jump at any chance to make us look bad. I’m telling you, get us that band so we can get out of here and steam the required number of circles in the middle of the ocean.”
“Aye-aye, Sir, but if we can’t get them, maybe if we played some Navy music over the 1MC we can shove off.”
“I’m not a ‘maybe’ man, Chaplain.”
“Did you say you’re not a ‘Navy man,’ Sir?”
“No, I said ‘maybe,’ not Navy.”
“Not Navy? Now I’m really confused.”
“Just get me that band, sailor.”
“Aye-aye, Captain.” Hand salutes.
END of the First Act
Intermission music.
“It Don’t Matter to Me” (2:55)
ACT II
The stage is set as the rear of the destroyer. Bunch of sailors standing around in dungarees.
“What are we doing, standing around?”
“The ‘doing,’ as you succinctly put it, is part of the act.”
“What act?”
“Look, let’s pretend we’re in a musical, so about now we sing about some girl we miss.”
“Drive” (3:57)
“I don’t like it because I can’t dance worth a hoot and my singing abilities are even worse.”
“It’s easy: just sway back and forth and mouth the words. Pretend you’re having a good time.”
“I thought we were leaving. And where are the tugs?”
“Our Captain has a lot of pride in his seamanship abilities; you’re not going to see a tug within a nautical mile of us when we get under way or when we berth.”
“So what are we doing?”
“The whole country is at a standstill; everybody is at ease because of Epstein’s death. I know, who gives a hoot? we sure as heck don’t. Is anybody talking about the Teachers’ Union colossal failure in not teaching the inner-city kids how to read and write? No, they are not, because if the kids could read maybe they would stumble across the truth, and we sure as heck can’t have that, now, can we? Like Trump said, ‘What have you got to lose?’ Imagine minorities voting for a better life, a life bereft of Welfare and Food Stamps, of people having a job and earning a paycheck, of having dignity for once.”
“I just heard we’re waiting for the band.”
“Oh, look, I think I see them.”
“And there they are.”
Announcement over the 1MC: remove rat guards and single-up all lines.
Farewell music.
“Anchors Aweigh” (2:31)
FINI