“NIP IT IN THE BUD”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Feb. 15, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the one enjoyable half-hour on the idiot box. Hello, I’m Mr. Roving Reporter and I’ll be your host for this thrilling episode of ‘Pulse.’ We’ve had a number of angry people writing the station complaining about ‘Pulse’ being so one-sided; on the contrary, we’re 100% behind the Constitution and nothing else matters, and if our interruption is different than yours, do us all a favor and change the channel.
“And speaking of changing the station, how about the O-F-F switch? But not now: later. We’re back on our corner about to bother whoever we can.
Oh, hello, there, you were on yesterday, weren’t you? You’re Jacob, the playwright; got anything new?”
“Matter of fact, I do.”
“And?”
“Oh, and it’s short; well, it might be short.”
“How about telling us the basic premise of the play.”
“Okay, it’s about this drop of rain falling from a cloud, and when the drop of rain hits the pavement it hits the crown of the street: you know, the very center and the drop has twins.”
“The drop of rainwater hits the street and breaks up into two drops?”
“Right: twins are born and one twin runs off to the North while the other to the South. And the play follows them on their individual trek to when they finally reunite in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. One twin becomes a Trumpster, while the other — well, I haven’t decided what the other will be.”
“Sounds interesting. See you later.”
“Later.”
“Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Just My Imagination” (3:54)
“We’re back. Excuse me, Miss, care to be interviewed on ‘Pulse?’”
“Okay.”
“So what’s your take on school shootings?”
“All the employees of a school should be Veterans that carry, just as all law enforcement officers should be made up of Veterans. Anything less is not solving the problem, I think. If you want to solve the problem of school shootings, nip it in the bud.
“By they way, it really turns my stomach when the cops know there’s a shooter inside and they’re all outside eating donuts and drinking coffee. The military would send in two and take care of the problem. It’s the difference between getting the job done or getting home safely. And here’s my train. Bye.”
“By. Never did catch her name; good answer, though. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Big Iron” (6:15)
“I’d say our last interviewee was right: arm the teachers. And we’ve time for one more; excuse me, sir, care to be interviewed by ‘Pulse?’”
“Oh, hello, Roving, so what’s the question of the day, but first I’d like to say to all of those naysayers about how we can’t afford extra security at our schools: just hire teachers who are Veterans and have them trained in conceal-carry laws; and then have them spend so many hours a month at the shooting range to maintain their proficiency. Piece of cake. To do otherwise you might as well be lost in space.”
“Agreed; so what’s your name and what do you do?”
“Name is Paul and I’m looking for a job. I just got out of the Army and here I am.”
“So what did you do in the Army?”
“I shot the bad guys, or at least I did for the past year; before that all we did was get shot at. They’d shoot from a cemetery, a mosque or a home and we weren’t allowed to shoot back, but ever since Trump got elected our kill rate has shot straight up.”
“Good pun. Try going to some school on the GI Bill, is my advice. And I see we’ve run out of time. Thank you for talking with us. And that’ll do it and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show: hire a Vet with a gun: works for me. Burger time: my treat.”
“Party Doll” (2:14)