“THE AMERICAN WAY”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Aug. 4, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Grand Opening of the ‘Political Diner.’ Hello, you’re watching ‘Pulse of the Nation’; I’m Mr. Roving and we’re across the street from the baseball stadium, next to the bookstore. With me here is the owner, Mr. Harvey. What you got in your hand, Mr. Harvey?”
“It’s the new and exciting menu; care to peruse it? Please be my guest.”
“Thanks. What’s this ‘Get Out of Jail Special?’”
“Two eggs; toast; hash browns.”
“I can see that. I mean, what does it mean?”
“This is how I figure it: Hillary is either going to jail or she’s not, and I’d bet she walks, just as Lois Lerner got up and walked out of the Senate hearing on unfair and illegal IRS practices. So people who order the ‘Get Out of Jail Special’ will start their day off feeling good knowing that the chance of Hillary ever going to jail is one big fat zero.”
“I see. What’s this ‘Help Yourself to the Socialist Salad Bar?’”
“Fresh greens and…”
“No, no: I can see that. I mean, what’s this ‘Payment Optional’ malarkey? And that sign in the window: ‘Discretionary Tipping.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The answer to your first question is obvious: you just pay whatever you think it’s worth.”
“What if I don’t think it’s worth much, what then?”
“And the answer to your second question means that tipping isn’t your usual 10, 15 or 20%.”
“What is it, then? Don’t bother. What’s this “Zuckerberg Wannabe Wage Grinder Luncheon Special?’ I can read what’s in it; tell me about the name.”
“That’s the easiest one on the whole menu. Look, I’ve a feeling you’re trying to grind my new place down. I run a clean establishment; I just passed my Health Inspection so we’re good to go.”
“So you’re catering to the social losers of our city, is that it? A place for them to hang out? To hatch yet more Russians out of thin air?”
“Why not? At least when the place gets robbed there’ll be no gunplay because it’s a gun-free zone. And besides that, it’s a designated safety zone for women.”
“You’re unreal; you’re as out-to-lunch as your costumers, you know that?”
“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not. We are a luncheon place, after all. We left-wing-loonies have to have someplace where we can have our lunch without being offended by a ‘Make America Great Again’ silly hat.”
“Did I hear you right? Did you say ‘silly hat?’ So making America great again is somehow wrong?”
“You bet it is. It’s the cavalier holier-than-thou attitude that hard work and perseverance pays off. It’s rewarding excellence. It’s the opposite of the ‘Welfare/Affirmative ‘”Help me; I can’t do it” Attitude.’”
“What’s this? You ordered a parade?”
“You bet. And tonight we’ll have searchlights.”
Interlude: “When the Saints Go Marching In” 1:04
“Let’s get back to what you have to offer. I see a note on the back that says: ‘RINO grinders Rhinoceros meat-free.’ What is it, then?”
“Regular cow meat.”
“American cows?”
“We only use reputable suppliers.”
“Now there’s malarkey; that’s like saying ‘assembled in the USA’: meaningless.”
“We do make our sandwiches right here on the premises, except for the ones made elsewhere that we microwave.”
“What percentage of the food served is microwaved, then?”
“That’s proprietary secret business information that I’m not at liberty to divulge. It’s like Top Secret for real; not Hillary’s Top Secret for not real enough to give a hoot about.”
“You mean suitable for sharing with Tehran?”
“Yes; precisely. I mean, even us stupid Democrats know that much.”
“And what about Huma Abedin?”
‘That’s our ‘Porky the Pig Free Foot-Long Hoagie.’”
“And if I said ‘John McCain,’ what would you say?”
“I’d say, ‘Grilled Yellow Cheese Sandwich,’ but we also have the ‘McCain Special: Melted Yellow Cheese Fondue.’”
“Do you have an ‘Obama?’ Oh, there it is: on page 2: ‘The Empty Plate: The management is authorized to borrow $10 from you, the customer, which we’ll use to stimulate Mr. Harvey’s (the owner) retirement.’ Well, at least you’re honest about it.”
“Yes; as a matter of fact, that’s our motto: ‘You Can’t Indict Without Testimony.‘”
“What’s that supposed to mean, you whack the whistle-blowers?”
“Look, this is America and we do things the American Way, and if that means shooting people in the back of the head or just in the back, so be it. As I said: you can’t have an investigation if everyone is either already in the morgue or about to go to the morgue, so there.”
“And here I thought we were here to celebrate a new hamburger joint in our town.”
“Life is disappointing for the honest, the virtuous and the Patriots, isn’t it?”
“I guess, and with that said I’ll be wishing you, the viewer, a goodnight: Goodnight. Oops, I forgot to read a letter; got one handy? Thanks.
Dear Mr. Roving Reporter,
Whatever happened to the Rabbit and that dog that speaks English? But that’s not my question, so they don’t count. Here’s my question: when is Trump going to get the queers out of the military and women off the fighting ships?
A Retired Marine,
Sam
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Dear Sam,
I’m so glad you wrote. The rabbit is around and the dog doesn’t, like, really talk. And Trump is ever-so-slowly getting things done. The VA is getting better and I agree with you about the rest.
But I think your underlying theme that if the government were a business it goes broke in the first six months is entirely correct.
It must be very frustrating for the president to see things move at a snail’s pace. The basic problem is the residual Obot Effect caused by voters of Obama and Hillary. Now if all of those people would just get up and quit, maybe America will actually have a chance to be Great Again.
Thanks for writing,
Roving
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“That’s a wrap. This job is, if nothing else, interesting. And speaking of burgers, let’s find one, but not here: my treat.”