Professor Zorkophsky and Madam Shylock (RR)


by OPOVV , ©2017

(Jun. 27, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that attempts to wallow through the lies and expose the truth. Hello, my name is Mr. Roving Reporter and I’ll be your host for tonight’s show. We’re standing in front of the City Book Store located across from the baseball stadium for the signing of two just-released books: Professor Zorkophsky’s The Natural Progression of Democracy is Anarchy that Leads to Nihilism and Madam Shylock’s ‘How to Hook, Reel, Net, and Land a Free Ticket.’

“Who wants to go first? Ladies first it is, then. Hello, Madam, and I see by the long line of women waiting to get in that you have quite a following.”

“Yes, and isn’t this exciting? My first book, and thanks to ‘Pulse’ I was already recognized as a matchmaker and well-known fortuneteller. And look at all of the young ladies waiting for me to sign the book that they will shortly purchase for an even $20, including tax.”

“I guess the title says it all; anything to add?”

“Well, no, except maybe Chapter One may be construed as a little bit controversial.”

“How so?”

“First its title: ‘How to Tell a Bald-Faced Lie with a Smile.’”

“Yes, I can see where there might be some feedback.”

“Oh, no, you’ve got it all backwards: from what I understand it’s that the chapter is too short; not enough information; more examples needed; and, believe it or not: not wordy enough*.”

“I give up. Good luck and congratulations. And here is our friend and sometimes co-host of ‘Pulse,’ Professor Zorkophsky, to whom we shall henceforth refer as ‘Zork.’ Another blockbuster, it seems. Coming over here today I was reading your book in the back of the van and it reads exactly like a movie script. I mean, you introduce fictional characters who have a dialog digressing to the Russian Revolution.  Then you describe a debate on the Senate floor about auditing the Federal Reserve Bank and making the findings public when the DOJ charges in and declares some sort of Anthrax phony-baloney scare. Am I right?”

“Oh, you’re right on target, Roving. You see, if I can get my book made into a motion picture maybe people will begin to comprehend how utterly rare and unbelievable our Constitution is. The first third of the book sets the stage for the surprise ending.”

“So you’re not so concerned about selling a million copies of the book but you want Hollywood to knock on your door?”

“But of course. Look, nobody reads anymore, or if they do read they want it to flow just as if they’re watching a movie.”

“Yes, I noticed that the first couple of paragraphs of your chapters you set the scene, as if it’s a play; isn’t that right?”

“Yes, it is so. I write so the ‘Little People’ can understand what I’m trying to convey to them. I’m sorry, I should tell you what I mean by the ‘Little People.’ These are people who still fly; people who go out to our airports in the United States and see no reason to be upset that their civil rights are being violated by unreasonable searches. It’s like they just accept the TSA as a fact of life.”

“And you don’t?”

“Not by a country mile. We’re giving up some of our freedoms so Muslims can live in our country, is what. Now I ask you: how convoluted is that? It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Take away a little here and a little there and pretty soon it’s 1930s Germany all over again.

“It’s not worth it and, even more, they’re (Muslims) aren’t worth it. Look, I don’t want to sound rude but I lay it out like A-B-C in the book so even today’s college students can comprehend the subject. We’re giving up our freedoms and nobody is fighting back; no one is even bringing up the subject of the Constitution falling by the wayside. And that’s why I wrote the book as a movie script.”

“Well, Zork, I wish you all the luck in the world. By the way, do you have any actors and actresses in mind?”

“For sure, but first let’s get the deal signed, alright?”

“Works for me. Anything to add as long as you’re on television?”

“Yes, matter of fact I do. It’s a shout-out to President Trump: when are you going to pardon LTC Terry Lakin? What’s taking you so doggone long? You should’ve pardoned him your first day in office. That’s it.”

“Okay, then, good luck with going to Hollywood. And our time is up for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ so, on behalf of my crew, I’d like to wish each and every one of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, guys. Burger time: my treat.”

[* “not wordy enough”: for those of you who don’t write for a living, ‘not wordy enough’ is a private joke between a writer and the editor.]

Somewhere My Love


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