“ALL THE WAY TO THE FUNNY FARM”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Apr. 14, 2016) — Once upon a time, in a land whose coordinates were precisely known — thanks to a certain government letting the cat out of the bag* (GPS) – there was a man who wanted to be King. Bad grammar and sportscasters’ Ebonics aside, there lived one who had his eye on being the King of the land, so one day he decided to gather a bunch of people together to determine what it actually takes to be a King.
First to be agreed upon was that, in order to qualify as a King, one must have a well-defined earthly kingdom, say, from “sea to shining sea.”
Other criteria were presented. Some ideas failed, while others were accepted until, finally, there came a time when all were satisfied.
Yes, we have a banner that the people can rally to; a currency designed to be easily exchangeable; property rights that are defensible; troops that are expendable; and all the other tidbits that make up the team logo.
And it came to pass – excuse me, please, but just think of the alternatives to “It came to pass”: “Behold!”; After a time”; “In a while”; “Many moons passed”; “The beaver added to his lodge”; “The season of broken limbs (summer) came and went” – that the coronation ceremony was scheduled.
The people were with the program: no more petty fighting – And here’s another one: don’t you just love it when historians write, “The fiefdoms had petty squabbles,” which really means that some poor sods got killed or maimed, and because of the injuries fighting for the Head Fief they couldn’t work so starved to death; not anything like our VA system of protecting our troops – and misunderstandings: “All for one and one for all.”
Fast forward – “Behold!” – to the time when the King was about to receive the crown: “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” There came a cry, “We don’t have a Fool. Why, as far as I know, every Court had a Fool. Where’s ours?”
As close to Chicken Little as one can get suddenly broke out. Everyone running and yelling “We need a fool!”; “Where is there a Fool?”; “Why, every proper kingdom requires the services of a Fool”; “What, by the way, are Fool’s wages?; and so forth; on and on; “Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.”
[The question, remains, however: Was the story of Mr./Mrs./Miz Little true and, if so, what was it? A meteor shower?]
“HARK! Potential Kingdom on temporary hold until a Fool (Court Jester) is hired.
“SEARCH FAR AND WIDE!
“APPLY IN PERSON AT CASTLE.”
“And you are a contestant number?”
“Seven, thank heaven, you potential King.
Glad to be your audience, let me sing.”
“No way. That was really bad. Next.”
“Beware of the Ides of March.”
“Already taken. Next.
“So you want to be a court jester? Any experience?”
“I believe, so, Sire. I’ve worked in television for a number of years.”
“That’s good, very good. More?”
“I publicly support Ted Cruz.”
“Now that’s funny. That’s REALLY funny. You’re a funny guy. Any more funny stuff?”
“You’re going to like this one: when tourists ask me what to do in Florida, I tell them to experience the Daytona 500 by driving on Interstate 4.”
“Ha! Now THAT’s funny! One more.”
“Well, I used to drink** a lot and spew the story every chance I got; still do. I want people to feel sorry for me so when I get on stage or pretend to while on the radio, I get on my knees and pray for my deliverance from being an alcoholic and for Cruz to be my personal savior as my next president.”
“YOU’RE HIRED! I don’t know whether you’re really funny or just plain stupid. Tell you what, can you make jokes about Ted Cruz being a pretend natural born Citizen of the United States even though he was born in Canada and his father was a Canadian citizen? Can you make jokes about that?”
“I believe only to fight the fights that you can win and forget the others.”
“That’s another pretty funny one, childish, but funny; maybe not so funny but really childish. I believe every Kingdom and country needs a National Fool and you’re it. Welcome to the show. By the way, what’s your name?”
“It rhymes with ‘Ben Peck.’ Does that help?”
“All the way to the funny farm.”
[*After the Germans took to heart Robert Goddard’s – an American — book and papers on rockets, the major stumbling-block that Werther von Braun and team had was of the guidance system. By the U.S. military releasing GPS access to all, installing a reliable and deadly-accurate guidance system in today’s weapon delivery systems is a piece of cake, which our enemies — North Korea, Iran, et al — are eternally grateful for. Expanding the tit-for-tat analogy, the price Americans are paying for the privilege of talking on the phone while driving has been the DIRECT increase of death and grievous injury. In England the fine for the first offense of talking on the phone while driving is $500. They’ve made the connection; why haven’t we?]
[**Here’s a note: if a person acts like a jerk while drunk, if a person is an alcoholic and acts like a jerk, guess what? When that person gets on the wagon and is stone-cold sober for 20 years, that person will still be a jerk: the absence of alcohol is not a cure for Jerkness.]