“AFFORDABLE”
by OPOVV, ©2014
(Mar. 18, 2014) — ACT I
The curtain rises on a summer backyard setting. The backdrop is more of the same: suburban backyards. Chirping birds are heard. The props are larger than life: on the right is a porch with a grill, on the left a swing set. Center stage is a card table with two chairs set with play china. On a cardboard box is a play oven, the kind that’s heated with a light bulb. The children’s music is provided by a battery-powered 45-RPM record player set at low volume. The song currently playing is Jiminy Cricket’s “When You Wish Upon a Star.” Thirty-year-old actors enter from stage right. The woman is dressed as a Brownie Scout, the man a Cub Scout.
Cheryl: “You sit there and I’ll cook you a scrumptious meal. I’ll pour you some coffee. No, not there. Leave your glove and bat at the door, please.”
She pokes around the stove, moving imaginary pots and pans, wiping her brow with the back of her hand, sighing.
Tommy: “I don’t want to sit there; I want to sit at this seat, facing the house, so I can see your parents sneak up on us. And I don’t drink coffee. I’m just a little tyke.”
Cheryl: “No, that’s my seat. You sit over there, and you’ll eat and drink whatever I serve you. And we’re playing ‘grown-up,’ so act like it. Use your napkin.”
Tommy: “I don’t see any napkin.”
Cheryl: “It’s an imaginary napkin, dummy. Sit up straight.”
Tommy: “Okay. Look, I’m using my imaginary napkin. Why, it sure is big; I bet I could use it as a pup tent.”
Cheryl: “Don’t be a smarty-pants. Here’s your steak. Do you want to say ‘Grace’ or should I?”
Tommy: “Lord, I just came over to play catch because I can’t find anybody else. Please let me suffer the next half-hour in Peace and Harmony.”
Cheryl: “That’s not Grace, you turkey. You shouldn’t make fun. Please, God, make him see the error of his ways. A-men.”
Tommy: “Now we can eat?”
Cheryl: “Not until you say ‘A-men.’”
Tommy: “A-men. This steak is too tough. Why, I think you burned it. And these peas aren’t warm at all.”
Cheryl: “Look, Buster, the steak is cooked to perfection. The rolls and vegetable are delicious, and so are the salad and the cheesecake. Why, I worked my tail off to give you the best meal in the whole world and all you can do is be a total jerk. I don’t know why I bother.”
Tommy: “Look, here’s the deal: the meal is really great. We don’t get steak every day with all of the trimmings. And this is really good; I’m not kidding. Why, I never had so much fun. And afterwards we can play some catch, what do you say?”
Cheryl: “Well, okay, but you better behave yourself, and if I catch you kidding that’ll be the end. Pass the potatoes, please.”
Tommy: “Sure, here. Do you want some gravy with that?”
Curtain lowers.
ACT II
Curtain rises on the exact same setting, but this time the props are normal size. The actors, who are dressed causally, enter from stage right.
Cheryl: “Sit over there and I’ll pour us some lemonade.”
Tom: “Right-on. Whew, little warm today. Hey, thanks. Hey, that’s good.”
Cheryl: “Thank you. We’re going to play a game.”
Tom: “Oh, I’ll have the steak, please.”
Cheryl: “No, not that game, silly. We’re going to play ‘Obamacare.’”
She reaches in her purse and pulls out two paper plate and put them on the table.
Cheryl: “Here’s your plate. I’ll serve. The first course is ‘You can keep your doctor.’”
Tom: “I don’t see anything.”
Cheryl: “Be quiet and pay attention. This next course is called ‘You can keep you hospital and clinic with no waiting.’”
Tom: “Oh, I get it. Clever of you. Let me guess: instead of mashed potatoes we’ll have an empty serving of ‘Your privacy will be assured?’”
Cheryl, laughing: “Yes! Good for you! Here, would you like some ‘Pre-existing?’”
Tom: “Ah, don’t mind if I do. Why, my plate is empty, imagine that? Here, have some ‘No problem signing up.’”
Cheryl: “Why, thank you. But I saved the best for last: dessert. You sure you have enough room? Here it is then, ‘Affordable.’”
Tom, laughing harder: “’Affordable!’ Great dessert. What a joke! Hey, this was a great meal but I can’t afford it! Pay a lot for nothing, right?”
Cheryl: “And you lose your job!”
Tom: “So that’s it? You lost your job?”
Cheryl: “Because of Obamacare!”
Tom and Cheryl get up from the card table and walk off stage right and ceremoniously toss their empty plates in the garbage can, laughing as the curtain is lowered.
FINI