Welcome to America

“A PERFECT SETUP?”

by OPOVV, ©2013

(Jul. 13, 2013) — “It’s a public relations coup, I tell you, it’s the way we Americans can welcome visitors and want-to-be citizens properly. It gives them a bit of Americana as soon as they arrive,” so said the spokesman for the “Love a Pig” advertising campaign. “And, believe it or not, those TSA goons are behind us 100%, or at least most of them, if you don’t count the Muslim employees.”

It’s the latest “Welcome to America” craze that’s hitting all the airports. Here’s how it works: every arriving passenger is treated to a free hot dog, prepared from an original hot dog stand. The brainchild behind this is none other than the newly-elected freshman representative from the State that manufactures those stainless steel stands.

“Excuse me, Rep, can you please tell the public what’s behind this hot dog thing?”

“Be glad to. Look, I’m a politician, so what’s a politician’s job? Why, to bring home the pork, and that’s what I’m doing: creating a market by creating a need. People come here to America, for what? Well, for one thing, our hot dogs, just like the ones you see sold all around Chicago, year-round. And it’s not costing the taxpayers one red cent. The dogs are donated as advertising, and as long as the pig people make money, they can write it all off.

“And here’s another thing, one that was completely unexpected, but it makes the cockles of every Patriot stand tall, of this I assure you. You see, our enemy, Muslims, refuse to eat dogs, pork in any form, so matter how they’re dressed, they have to eat a dog, and if there’s any question about who they are, we have safeguards in place to deal with the problem.”

“That’s nice, but can you be a little more specific; I mean, what safeguards?”

“Thanks for asking, and this is where I really earned my worth as a politician supporting the pig industry. Why, we enroll them in a hot dog eating contest, that’s what. No longer will dog eating contests be limited to July 4^th, but anytime, which is really great for publicity, let me tell you. And if they don’t participate, we send them back to where they came from, mostly, these days, from Somalia, but a lot of them from Afghanistan as well.

“We’ve extended an invitation to the de facto president Obama for our next dog-eating contest, and no excuses will be allowed, but if he can’t make it, he can’t make it, so we’ve scheduled him for every one of our future contests in the next two months, which is somewhere in the neighborhood of 800, give or take a few.”

So there you have it, a perfect setup for welcoming our visitors and, at the same time, doing what the NSA, CIA, FBI and all the others have failed to do:  keep the Muslims out.

OPOVV