“A SECURITY BLANKET”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Nov. 17, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that lays it all out for you to decide. I’m your Roving Reporter and will be your host for this evening’s show. As you can see, we’re once again under the awning across from the railroad station about to waylay this young lady.
“Excuse me, please.”
“Oh, you startled me.”
“Startled you? We have lights and a camera and a sound-boom girl blocking the sidewalk and there’s our well-advertised van parked at the curb with the satellite dish on the top and you say we ‘startled’ you?”
“Yes, you startled me.”
“Let me ask you this, then: who won the election?”
“What election?”
“I knew it! Someone give me a $5 bill. I won! Lady, thank you. I mean it. And here I thought my lousy job was worthless, just a way to mark time through life, and then you come along. Let me ask you this: are you in some sort of ‘therapy?’”
“Well, now that you mention it, I guess I was, or am. I remember attending a ‘Cry-In’ and I got a gold star next to my name on the bulletin board outside the classroom door.”
“Ah, so you’re a student.”
“Oh, yes. I’m in a master’s program at the university. I’m a 5th year student and I’m majoring in Political Science with a minor in Psychology.”
“So you do remember the election?”
“Vaguely. We’ve been instructed to block it out, you know. Not accept the results. Trump is not our president, which is why my scarf is not really a scarf: it’s a security blanket, you know, the kind that the ‘Linus’ character in the ‘Charlie Brown’ cartoon always carried around. We’ve been instructed to use it for a crying towel and to hide under it when we become too stressed.”
“Did you say ‘too stressed?’ In what way?”
“In case of a terrorist attack, maybe, or if we walk by a newsstand and see a headline that upsets us, like maybe a photograph of the Twin Towers collapsing. That’ll do it every time. See all of those humps near the curb across the street near that newsstand? Those are students – millennials – coping with an upsetting situation. I know what this morning’s headline reads: ‘Trump’s Transparency Ends! Escapes to Restaurant with Family!’”
“So how come you’re not hiding under your security blanket — oh, sorry, ‘scarf’?’”
“Because I’m Stage 4.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What, pray tell, is ‘Stage 4?’”
“You have to graduate, you know. It’s not some random exercise. It’s meaningful. First you go to a ‘Cry-In’ and after you demonstrate that you’re capable of crying on cue for the camera you get a certificate that allows you entrance to a ‘Puppy-Comfort’ session. When you graduate from getting your makeup all smeared you are awarded the scarf/security blanket.”
“And ‘Stage 4?’”
“Sandbox, of which there are three stages. ‘Stage I Sandbox’ is a big, adult-sized sandbox measuring 5 feet by 5 feet and the sides are 2 feet high with folding chairs at each corner. Everyone has a plastic bucket and shovel in bright pastel colors. Playtime is at least an hour.
“’Stage II Sandbox’ is a folding chair within the confines of a small sandbox. ‘Stage III Sandbox’ is what they call the ‘Executive Size, Suitable for Desks’ that is disguised as a coffee cup with sand in it.”
“No kidding?”
“No kidding.”
“And this costs money?”
“Of course it costs money. A ‘Cry-In’ is $10,000, which is deferred to the parents. Same with the puppies. The ‘Comfort Scarf/Security Blanket’ is another deferred $10,000. The ‘Executive Sandbox’ is as much as you need to be comforted.”
“How so?”
“A Tiffany will cost you $200,000. A Wal-Mart $20.”
“Where does the money go?”
“I understand it goes to the Clinton Foundation or to George Soros. Maybe everybody takes a cut, even Bernie Sanders. Some socialist he turned out to be: house on a lake. My foot. And here comes my train ad I’ll be wearing a safety pin by day’s end.”
“Congratulations, I’m sure. Well, that’s all the time we have for today’s show. Thanks for watching so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Burger time: my treat.”