by Roving Reporter, ©2022

(Sep. 15, 2022) — “Harp #1” (0:58)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Because it’s raining cats and dogs, we’ll just make a few phone calls and then, during the closing segment, we’ll have an open line to take questions or comments from viewers. Our phone number is scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

“Okay, what do you say we give Madam Shylock a call?”

(Sound of phone ringing)

“Hello; I know it’s you, Roving. And the answer is, ‘Me, too.’ I’m sorry, but a client just arrived so I must scoot. He’s a Veteran who served in one of the ‘Sand Lands’ and seems on the verge of eating a bullet. Sad case, but I think if I talk him into sending money to a MAGA candidate, maybe in another state, it’ll help. Bye.”

“And she’s gone. Let’s do one more before we break for a commercial. Let’s call Rook Dunkin. That was quick; the phone didn’t even ring.”

“I was watching so I just pressed ‘Accept’ and here we are. As you, I watch  American Sunrise so we get to see all the MAGA candidates, so I just go to their websites and click on the $20 box and that’s all there is to it. Easy as pie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to writing the sermon for this Sunday; it’s about those thousands of armed IRS agents and how to welcome them when they step foot on your property.”

“Sounds like a real timely sermon, Rook. And now let’s take our break.”

Get Ready” (2:45)

“And we’re back with the Chief on the line. How you doin’, Chief New Leaf?”

“Me fine. You?”

“Me mighty fine, too.”

“Good. Good to be fine.”

“Yes, it is good to be fine. But not too fine.”

“And not too good. To much of anything is bad.”

“So true except for winning. Have you been watching?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world and, yes, I also contribute to out-of-state MAGA candidates. It’s funny, but some of the money we take in at our casinos is financing MAGA candidates. Look, sorry to be rude, but I’ve got some steaks on the grill that require attention.”

“What kind of steaks?”

“Ribeye, the only cut. Sorry, got to run.”

“And he’s off so we’ll make the next call to Zork. On line #2? Hello, Professor Zorkophsky, and how goes it?”

“It goes better today than yesterday. This is what I figure: for every IRS and FBI raid, MAGA increases by 5,000 voters, people who wouldn’t have voted for MAGA – or voted at all – but are so ticked-off by the government that whatever bad thoughts they had about Trump went out the window. They become upset and are fighting back the only way they know how: vote the bums out.”

“Vote the Dems out.”

“That’s what I said. Bye. Wait! Before I go, I’d just like to say one more thing: the guards at the Washington Gulag, a word of advice: paybacks are a dish best served cold.”

“Yes, we understand. And don’t forget the judges. Mike Pence is the real insurrectionist; how come he’s not locked up? Bye. Okay, what do you say we give Henry a buzz? Hello, Henry? Oh, you just got out of the shower? Bath? You don’t take showers, just baths? Okay, you got a minute? Just to ask a question about all those MAGA candidates winning all over the place. So there’s hope for our Republic after all, but at the rate Biden is destroying it there won’t be anything left; is that what you said? We’re at war for our Republic and if we don’t put the election cheaters in jail for life it’ll be another stolen election? You’ve got to run — oh, sorry, hop? Okay, have a nice one. One more commercial and then we’ll take some calls.”

I’ve Been Loving You Too Long” (2:56)

“Hello, you’ve reached ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Please state your name and what’s your question?”

“Large, onion and pepperoni. Name is Jason and I’ll pick it up.”

“This isn’t a pizzeria, it’s a talk show that you dialed.”

“No way. A talk show? Like political? Then answer me this: how come Mitch McConnell is still in Washington? Doesn’t he know he’s part of the problem?”

“No, he doesn’t know a bloody thing; he’s been out of it ever since he arrived in The Swamp. Next caller.”

“Love your show. First-time caller. I’m really surprised I’m on the air and talking to you.”

“Now isn’t that nice? What’s your name and what’s your question?”

“I’m Sandy and my question is I’m paying over 20% more for groceries than I did in 2020, so where does Studio ‘B’ get off with the 8.1% inflation rate?”

“I don’t know, maybe they just parrot whatever the government dishes out. Next is John on line 5. Hello, John, what’s your question?”

“If I can see that’s the key to it all, why can’t the idiots in Washington?”

“What’s the ‘key,’ John?”

“Open up the Keystone pipeline and become energy-dominant again, one, and two is close the darn border. End of story.”

“Everyone except the idiots agrees with you, John. Thanks for the call and that’ll do it for us, and so, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, especially about becoming energy-dominant again. Burger time: my treat.”

[Little People: Alive and well from the Harriet Tubman Underground Railroad State Park.]

Time Won’t Let Me” (2:45)

Roving Reporter

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