by Roving Reporter, ©2022

(Mar. 15, 2022) —“Gee” (2:13)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Due to the avalanche of inquiries regarding the paratroopers of the Little People, our editor sent us to Maryland to get the straight skinny, so here we are, freezing our you-know-what off to learn what we can. We’re at a secret location, somewhere in Gunpowder Falls State Park about to interview Mr. Tonto, the Information Officer…”


“Pardon me?”

“You said ‘Information Officer,’ didn’t you?”

“Aren’t you?”

“No, I’m the ‘Spin Officer’; I go by the name of ‘Spinner,’ so now you know.”

“No ‘Tonto’; no ‘friend?’”

“Are you kidding? I may be small but I am from New York; remember that.”

“Not my friend?”

“As I said, I’m from New York, which gives me a license to be overly rude and drive as if I’m a student driver and my instructor is DUI.”

“So you have an attitude.”

“Like I said, I’m from New York. Look, how dense are you? There’s no story here, so make like a leaf and skedaddle.”

“I guess I’m outta here. Good time for a commercial break.”

Ukrainian Folk Song” (2:17)

“And we’re back with Miss Dawn, a cinematographer who has something she wants to say.”

“Thank you, Roving. I want to say the next time you see an ad for extras for any zombie-acting job, we’re only taking the vaxed so you must show your vaxed card. Fair warning.”

“Just curious, but why is that?”

“Because realism sells; it’s that simple.”

“I see; moving along, and you are?”

“I’m a passenger on spaceship Earth and I must say some of our fellow passengers are an unruly bunch, like in Africa, murdering people just because they believe in the Golden Rule.”

“Are you aware of Rook Dunkin’s church, the one that collects money to buy guns to send to churches worldwide?”

“No, I never heard of that.”

“I suggest you watch ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. I say we ought to give Professor Zorkophsky a call; no, better yet, let’s call Madam Shylock to see if we can learn what happens next after this commercial break.”

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” (2:39)

“Hello, Madam Shylock? Roving here, calling on behalf of ‘Pulse,’ the most…”

“Yes, yes, we all know. Is the check in the mail?”


“Don’t forget your Veteran’s discount.”

“What’s next on the horizon?”

“Rebates for everyone not ‘Clot Shot’ from all the COVID-19 Pharma companies: the payment of $5,000 issued by the U.S. Treasury Department.”

“That’ll help offset the inflation.”

“For a little while. I’m sorry, but your time is up. Goodbye.”

“One more interview after this commercial break.”

Fortune Teller” (2:41)

“Excuse me, please, Roving for ‘Pulse.’

“Hello, Roving, Captain (retired) Horatio Anderson; pleased to meet you.”

“Likewise. Got time to answer your take on the Russian Army?”

“Worthless, a complete wasted organization that has no idea what the left hand is doing. Shelling a hospital, a facility that can mend future Russian casualties, is nothing but crass dereliction of common sense. One more thing, if I may.”

“Go for it.”

“Abortion after birth is called ‘murder,’ just to make it clear even to the dumbest. There’s one segment of our population that refuses to look into the mirror and see the truth: self-inflicted genocide. Oh, well, what are you going to do if they’re not taught how to read and write and do sums? I wonder how quick Biden and the other crooks in The Swamp would last if everybody got a dose of the truth?”

“You mean, if some day, The View would denounce Hillary and expose what was on Hunter Biden’s laptop?”

“Precisely. I want to say one more thing, if I may.”

“By all means.”

“Our military is in sad shape, no doubt about it. I mean, you can’t argue on the positive side of the debate. Ever since President Clinton, our Secretaries of Defense have bowed to the political pressure of the day and it shows, especially in the downfall of the Navy, sad to say.”

“So you’re retired Navy?”

“Twenty years.”

“Then I guess you ought to know. I’m sorry, but we’ve run out of time so, on behalf of the Navy, this is your Roving Reporter wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Don’t be Cruel” (2:16)

Roving Reporter  

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