by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2021
(Aug. 8, 2021) — “Everybody Loves a Lover” (2:43)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Now for you loonies in California or in General Milley’s military, welcome to those who were birthed and indoctrinated by combat boot enforcers that we used to call ‘teachers.’ With us today is Mark Another who wears a blanket.”
“Wrong. My name is No Relation Mark Anthony and I’m not ‘wearing a blanket’; this blanket draped over my shoulders is my way of advertising my company, ‘Undercover Forever.’”
“Now that’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What do you expect to get out of that?”
“I expect whistleblowers who were turned down FOR ANY REASON to seek my inexpensive services.”
“Two questions: first, were the caps and bold letters your idea and, second, how do you get paid?”
“Yes, and I get paid by donations or getting paid off to keep my mouth shut, or, as they say in the business: ‘Just like Jessie and Al, We’ll Shake ‘em Down with the Best of Them.’”
“I’m sorry, but I’m just a little bit confused.”
“There are lot of ‘confused’ out there and we’re here to help.”
“And you think I need help? You’re the one wearing the blanket when it’s ninety degrees.”
“And I’m doing that to promote my company, as I’ve said. Look, let’s say you’re a whistleblower for anything but the government’s promise not to prosecute whistleblowers is a big lie – which it is – so where can you turn to? You can’t go to the Fake News because they’ll turn you over to the FBI or some other corrupt government agency that spends its time justifying their existence rather than doing the job for which they were hired. For proof, look no farther than William Barr and the corrupt DOJ.”
“You mean the William Barr that saw no voter fraud?”
“Him and Sessions and everyone else who chased after Russian Collusion and the two impeachment fiascos.”
“I’m sorry, I’m still confused.”
“And we’re here to help.”
“You said that, but how do you help?”
“Well, first you got to have a good story, one that’ll catch the public’s eye. Let’s say you know the first name of the guy who started the fire on that Navy ship in San Diego.”
“No way.”
“Yes way, which is why the Navy is covering up for him. By the way, if convicted – which he won’t be – nothing will happen to him anyway.’
“No way.”
“You better believe it. The Department of Defense and the Department of Homeland Security have way too much invested in the program to trash it. Think of it as ‘twenty years in Afghanistan and with nothing to show for it’ scenario.”
“Oh.”
“Furthermore…”
“You mean there’s more?”
“Just the tip of the iceberg. Look, it’s like this ‘pandemic’ and ‘mask thing’: it’s all about gun confiscation.”
“They want to take our guns?”
“Yes, that’s the whole idea. Well, really the plan was to get rid of Trump, but now that’s done they’re going after the guns. Look, it’s the same old story: take power and then take the guns; happens all the time.”
“Getting back to the blanket.”
“Oh. Okay. This blanket symbolizes our failures; I mean, why have whistleblowers in the first place? For all kinds of reasons; everything under the sun. Look, I know you have all kinds of questions but my wife has a ‘honey-do” list a mile long so I’ve got to get truckin’.”
“Well, thanks for talking with us just the same. Good luck on your new company. What do you say we take a break? Be right back.”
“String Along” (2:17)
“And you are?”
“Clyde McBride at your service. You may not know this, but I’m an investigative reporter from across the pond.”
“You’re a reporter? Well, how do you do? What brings you over to the colonies?”
“We heard about the recurrence of the Flagellants so my editor sent me over to see if it were true.”
“And is it true? Did you find any examples of people purposely doing themselves grievous harm?”
“Did I? You got to be kidding. Here you have literally millions of your fellow citizens going downhill faster than a speeding bullet and you don’t lift a finger to help them.”
“Hold on, now: you mean to tell me that some sort of religious sect is operating right before our eyes and we don’t even see it or know what’s going on?”
“That’s right. My goodness, man, it’s right in front of you every night on the news, or at least used to be, as in ‘more killed than in Afghanistan.’”
“You mean Chicago?”
“I mean THE WHOLE STATE OF ILLINOIS. I mean, what does it take? I heard about your Flagellants so as soon as I got here I started to ask around but nobody knew what I was talking about, so I rented a car and started to drive across country and that’s when I found the enclave of your, well, there’s just no polite way to say it: LOONEY BIN.”
“Looney bin? You mean to say we have a ‘looney bin’ that houses millions?”
“That’s one way to say it. Look, I’ll make this short and to the point: the whole bloody state of Illinois, starting with the mayor of Chicago.”
“Well, we kind-of knew that, but the whole state?”
“The roads, man, the lousy roads. I did some digging, and do you know what I found out?”
“No, what did you find out?”
“That the road crews are required to have some financial ties with an auto repair facility.”
“You mean to tell me that the road workers all have some financial interest in auto alignment shops?”
“That’s what I’m telling you and, furthermore, I can prove it.”
“I believe you. Look, I’d sure like to learn more but we’ve just run out of time, so we’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Added note: This Jew-bashing, and then Christian bashing, has GOT to stop. I suggest that anyone out there on the streets protesting Israel be put in a LOONEY BIN until they come to their senses, and if it takes forever, so be it.]
“I Never Stopped Loving You” (2:55)
Professor “Trash the masks” Zorkophsky