by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2021
(May 11, 2021) — “Oh Girl” (3:36)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we have a real treat, the procurement officer for the Pentagon. Please introduce yourself and inform us of your duties and then we’ll take a quick commercial break. By the way, are you the procurement officer for all of the services, or just those who work at the Pentagon?”
“For all, plus, in a cost-cutting waste of time, for the CIA. I’m Captain Dudley, Commander of Destroyer Squadron 001 of the Potomac.”
“Well, then, Captain, welcome aboard ‘Pulse,’ the most popular information show in its time slot. Let me see if I understood you correctly: you are the Procurement Officer and the Commander of a Destroyer Squadron? How’s that working out?”
“Four-oh, oh, sorry, that’s old-style Navy-speak. I meant to say, ‘Just peachy.’ And, yes, I am the Procurement Officer and the destroyers that I’m in charge of are the desks of the crew that I’m in charge of.”
“Did I just hear you refer to the desks as ‘destroyers?’”
“Well, yes. Look, those flyboys of the Air Force, they say they ‘fly their desks,’ so why can’t us Navy guys call our desks ‘destroyers?’ After all, at least our desks are battleship grey.”
“I suppose that makes sense.”
“Are you kidding? Of course it makes sense, since before the battleship grey paint is rolled on, we brush on red lead, the proper primer of the US Navy. Ever hear the expression, ‘If it doesn’t move, paint it’?”
“I’m not sure of the CIA connection; care to explain?”
“No problem: our ONI – Office of Naval Intelligence – and the CIA belong to the same Squash Club. Listen, I know why I’m being interviewed, so I’d like to set the record straight before you grill me.”
“Go ahead.”
“I ordered the tutus from orders from the Chamber of Commerce, if you really want to know. Wait, before you ask, I’ll tell you. The police in our country are scared of Veterans, if you want to know. No, that’s not right: it’s the Mayors that are scared of Veterans, and some of the police are a little uneasy of someone who didn’t take into account the sacred mantra: ‘All I want is to get home safe every night,’ okay?”
“Yes, but…”
“Now listen: the most greedy minds in America have decided that if our military would just change their uniform to be a little bit more unconfrontational, then maybe they’ll be accepted a little bit more easily.”
“So, what, you ordered tutus?”
“Well, yes, I did, but it’s not as bad as you think. The Marines wear camouflaged tutus; the Army is olive drab; the Navy wear blue; the Coast Guard white ones.”
“What about the Air Force?”
“They’re exempt because at no time in the whole history of our country has an ex-Air Force Veteran applied to be a policeman.”
“So how are the troops taking it; I mean, do they go into combat wearing tutus?”
“Well, I’ll tell you. The Joint Chiefs of Staff chose pink tutus just to show the troops that it’s okay, and it worked. Now I’m not saying that there hasn’t been a little blowback, but from a completely unexpected quarter.”
“Don’t keep us in suspense; tell us.”
“It seem the Air Force felt left out so they have what we call the ‘ZOT,’ which stands for ‘Zippered Optional Tutu,’ in silver: think Christmas tree tinsel and you’ll be on track.”
“So, now, where are we? An Army Veteran goes to some police station and applies for a job, is that it? Is that what the tutus are for, the whole idea?”
“That’s right. You see, we don’t want our country to end up having police forces like they have in Portland, New York City, Seattle, Chicago, Minneapolis, Baltimore or in our nation’s capital: police just standing around witnessing looting and arson. We want police who will not follow illegal orders, such as standing around looking the other way while our Commander-in-Chief is chosen by China and not the citizens of the United States.”
“You mean like sneaking boxes of ballots pulled from under tables?”
“That’s right, and with cops who follow the Constitution, anyone who falsified a vote would be handcuffed and thrown in the paddy wagon on their way to jail. Anyway, that’s the plan.”
“But I thought that the Chamber of Commerce was anti-American.”
“They are, and they’re the ones who came up with the tutu idea in the first place: all I did was expand it to maybe make it easier for Veterans to get on police forces who really need patriots and not your average county employee who talks about being vested and retirement every day for twenty years.”
“Well, this has been a very interesting conversation.”
“Yes, it has, hasn’t it? I’d like to say one more thing, if I may.”
“Keep it short.”
“That Formula One race the other day from Spain sure was a farce. So the first and second place cars are going at it with twenty- some laps to go, and second place dives into the pits for new tires. Meanwhile, the first place car keeps on going around in circles when he should have got new tires the very next lap, so he lost the race because everyone on the planet earth, and even up in the ISS, knew he should’ve gone into the pits then and there. So you have to wonder about the driver, how much control he has about the race.”
“Maybe he didn’t want to win, or maybe the fix was in; who knows?”
“Never thought of that. Well, whatever it was, it sure was a let-down, I can tell you that.”
“Well, we just heard from a Destroyer Flotilla Commander about our troop’s new addition to their uniforms. Somewhat surprising, I have to admit, but that’s the glory and the draw of ‘Pulse,’ which continues to be the most popular information show in its time slot. Now on behalf of the Captain I’d like to thank you for watching and to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”