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by OPOVV, ©2019

Photo: crispy-fotografie at Pixabay, royalty-free

(Oct. 15, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ but don’t read us out loud in Hotel California (4:36) to your cat or else you’ll likely get arrested, incarcerated and generally taken to the cleaners by a state that shuns capitalism but is more than willing to go out of its way to take all of your money. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and, as you can see, we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad depot where we waylay commuters on their way to the big city. Excuse me, please, Roving for ‘Pulse.’

“Hello; seen you here often enough. Never been on the show, though.”

“Would you like to be?”

“Not particularly.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I don’t think I have much to say and, besides, no one listens anyway.”

“Well, you’re right about the ‘no one listens anyway’ part, but surely you vote; don’t you vote?”

“I vote.”

“Look: if you vote you count. What’s your name and what’s your gripe of the day?”

“My name is Jacob but people call me Jake.”

“Do you respond when people call you Jake?”

“Well, sure. What kind of silly question is that?”

“Look, give me a break; do you think it’s easy prying information out of people who have other things on their mind, like getting to work?”

“I guess not. Okay, my name is Jake and my gripe is the world going nuts, if you ask me.”

“I just did.”

“Hey, that’s pretty funny. You sound like that hotel guy.”

“You mean Anthony Melchiorri?”

“Right on.”

“I take that as a compliment. Meanwhile, what’s your main bug of the day?”

“Well, I ride the train every day, right? So, after awhile, you get so you know who is driving it. Some engineers are smooth operators, while others jerk the living daylights out of you. They ought to let you know who’s driving so if you make a complaint you can put a name to it. And that’s my train pulling in. Bye.”

Sounds of honking and tires squealing.

“Bye. And off he goes, running across the street and almost getting hit by a car. What now? A commercial; oh, good.”

Honey Don’t” (2:57)

“And we’re back with, pardon me, but I missed your name.”

“Liz, my name is Liz.”

“Is that short for Elizabeth?”

“No, it’s short for ‘Lizzardness.’ Don’t laugh: my parents were both professional herpetologists so they named me Lizzardness, knowing they would call me ‘Liz.’”

“Did you have a gray baby blanket instead of a pink one?”

“Nice try, Roving, but I’ve heard all of the lizard jokes. Now let me tell you about my pet peeve. After Stalin became the dictator of Russia, wasn’t it surprising how many towns became his birthplace, where he was a young boy, and ‘here he slept a night.’ Some of the towns erected statues of Stalin for a reason, a perceived reason, or for no reason at all. So the thing about statues is determined by the whims of the people at the time.

“Ever travel through Europe? Well, they have statues all over the place. I think the statue capitol of the world has to be Rome. It seems every intersection has a statue of something or another; they even have statues in parking lots. They build around them, you see.

“Here’s the thing about statues: they require no obedience. I mean, when you walk by a statue of anyone, from Washington to General Nathan Bedford Forrest, from Mark Twain* to Lincoln, no one is required to genuflect or to even acknowledge it in any way. There are absolutely no morays or forays a person is required to follow when in the presence of a statue.

Photo:  BruceEmmerling at Pixabay

“Had anyone ever noticed that there was no ‘statue phobia’ prior to Obama? I’m not sure when it started, but it was certainly over a century since the end of the Civil War. Actually, I think it was that loony court in California that ruled illegal immigrants have rights other than to be deported, which may have contributed to our current mental disorder. Since Obama’s departure, the ugly head of the Deep State has exposed itself, and there’s no better example that the FBI agents’ early morning raid on Roger Stone.

“You may ask, ‘What does the Deep State have to do with defacing or removing our statues?’ so I’ll tell you. Its like the airport security circumventing our Fourth Amendment; it’s like the Trump impeachment insanity, Trump delusion, and the outright lies masquerading as the truth on the fake news: it’s all sleight-of-hand, to keep our attention away from what’s really happening.”

“Okay, tell us: what’s really happening?”

“Looking at the big picture, England voted out the European Union over two years ago and the country which gave us Shakespeare is still shackled to it, forced to accept an unlimited number of “migrants”; Turkey is still a member of NATO; CAIR is still openly operating in our country. These statue-deniers are sad people. Think about it: they become offended by a statue that doesn’t move, make noise or require anyone to do anything. So how does that work; what gives?”

“I’ve a feeling you’re going to tell us.”

“These ‘offendees’ – sad people crying for help, crying for attention, and it’s a crying shame that the statue of Columbus in San Francisco wasn’t wired to produce a shock as strong as the spark-plug voltage going to a Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine – knock them on their behind; somehow imagine that they’re fighting against fascism but, in reality, are facilitating – aiding and abetting — the enemy. And here’s my train. Bye.”

“See you around, Liz. And that, I’m afraid, will do it for us, and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. I mean, really now, you’ve got to have a pretty thin skin to be offended by a statue or a sports team named after an Indian tribe. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Mark Twain: just thinking out loud here, but some of our educational idiots have removed and burned copies of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. So is it just a matter of time before the idiot Democrats in Hannibal, MO destroy the statues of Mark Twain in that fine river town?]

Guitar Solo” (3:53)


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