The Funniest Play Ever Written (RR)

“WHO ARE THE GOOD GUYS?”

by OPOVV, ©2019

https://www.congress.gov/116/crec/2019/09/13/CREC-2019-09-13.pdf

(Sep. 15, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to be for the informed, enlightened and the entranced who are enthused by the world’s greatest reporting. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be your host for the show you’re about to see, but first we have to answer yet another one of those annoying letters.

Dear Mr. Roving,

You sure think a lot of yourself, don’t you? You know, don’t you, that you’re not infallible, that you make mistakes once in a while, so how about owning up to it?

Long-time Viewer

————————-

Viewer:

Thank you for your well-thought-out criticism of my very difficult job, standing on a corner bothering strangers who have no desire to talk to me, to know me, and want to have absolutely nothing to do with me. One of these days we ought to broadcast some of the interviews that haven’t gone so smoothly and then you’ll see what a difficult job it is to get people to talk. And as far as my mistakes, well: sorry.

Roving

Okay, that’s over and done, so let’s get this show on the road. As you can see, we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street form the train depot. And here comes somebody: hello, sir, care to be interviewed on ‘Pulse?’”

“You don’t remember me, do you? You waylaid me last year.”

“Oh, right: you’re that playwright, aren’t you? So, what’s happening in your world?”

“I’m the author of the ‘Funniest Play in the World.’”

“No way.”

“For sure way.”

“What’s it about, or can’t you answer that; be like letting the cat-out-of-the-bag, wouldn’t it?”

“No problem since I haven’t written it yet. I just finished the title stage, is all.”

’Title stage’? Never heard that one before.”

“For sure, I mean, there’s a time and place for everything; just so happens that I’m now moving on to the play itself stage.”

“What do you say we cut to the chase: what’s the play about?”

“It’s about the jokers in the 116th Congress. It’s about the Muslims, the RINO’s and the Democrats. It’s about getting over the Russian Collusion*; the fact that the Electoral College protects the little States; and it’s about the Deep State, the DNC and the Fake News being the same animal, the villain in my play.”

“If the idiots are the villains, who are the good guys?”

“All of the actors who are wearing the MAGA hats.”

“You make it easy on the audience.”

“And here’s my train. Bye.”

“What do you say we take this time to take a break?”

Are You Lonesome Tonight?” (3:07)

“At this time we’re going to do a little something out of the ordinary: we’re going to Skype Madam Shylock down in Cassadaga, FL. Hello, Madam Shylock.”

“Hello, Roving. I just received your payment; thank you. You pose a very interesting question: what is the future of the USA? If you’ll give me a minute I’ll gaze into my crystal ball and see what I can see.”

Pregnant pause.

“You still there, Madam Shylock? What’s taking so long?”

“It’s all cloudy; nothing is clear; I can’t make out heads or tails, if you know what I mean.”

“No, I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

“I see that the Obots, you know, the idiots that watch CNN, don’t know what the Deep State is; they think it’s some figment of us crazy people who think that the Constitution should remain as the law of the land. But I see that there are many in our own country who will never understand the danger that Western Civilization is in until it is too late.”

“And when would that be? When is the point of no return, when it’ll be, as you say, too late?”

“If you send me some more money I’ll tell you.”

“Give us a hint.”

“Sooner than you think.”

“That’s good enough for now; thank you, Madam Shylock. Let’s break for a commercial, shall we?”

Black Magic Woman” (5:19)

“And we’re back. With me is a retired member of Congress who wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ll call him Toledo.’”

’Toledo?’ Where you come up with that name? I don’t like it; no, I do not. Why, everyone knows that there’s nothing but dirt and grime, sweat and bars in Toledo. Why don’t you call me Mr. Diamond instead, or at the very least, Mr. Bar Harbor. You know, don’t you, that I’m a millionaire?”

“Now that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, you being a millionaire and all. How did you amass that much money, anyway?”

“Easy as shooting fish in a barrel. People would come into my office and say if I support such-and-such a bill I would receive one heck of a campaign contribution, so I did and they did, too. Year after year the money kept rolling in.”

“Who were your biggest donors?”

“No, not ‘donors,’ donor, as in one donor.”

“Just one donor? But you were in Congress for over thirty years.”

“And I served my constituents well, of this I assure you.”

“Answer the question, please; you’re no longer in Congress.”

“Oh, yes; yes, of course. China was my one and only donor of any consequence.”

“And what’s your definition of ‘consequence?’”

“An even million I would consider to be the low end. My largest was, well, if I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Try.”

“Forty, but it averaged only about ten a year.”

“And you were an esteemed member of the United States Congress for over thirty years?”

“And proud of it. Why, I never had one scandal pointed my way, I’m proud to say. And my family has done very well, thanks to me working my fingers to the bone every session, of this I assure you.”

“You know what I’m beginning to think? I’m thinking that whenever I hear a politician say the word ‘assure’ I’m holding on to my wallet. So you let China dump their goods that were made by child labor, convict labor or your regular cheap, underpaid laborers onto the shelves of our big retailers and they kick-backed some of the profits to you, is that right?”

“Easy as cake and pie rolled into one, Roving. And you know what? The stupid voters never benefited from us members of Ccongress living high on the hog, except the realtors for mansions and salesmen for exotic cars.”

“And then came Trump.”

“It’ll be the end of the gravy train, is what it’ll be. And we’re talking billions of honest campaign contributions drying up overnight.”

“Thanks to Trump.”

“Thanks to Trump.”

“Well, then, I guess there’s no on else to blame for messing up the works, is there?”

“And it was running so smoothly – it was a flawless money-laundering machine, and now Trump wants to put an end to the bribes and the kickbacks. Why, Washington will never be the same. It was a colossal transfer of money from the American consumer to China, and after China took its 90 percent cut the rest was divided on the payoffs to keep it all going from decade to decade. It really took off when President Clinton gave China its Most Favored Nation trade status, irrespective of China’s human rights failure, specifically when aimed at Tibet* and the Dalai Lama.”

“I have yet to hear Trump mention Tibet. Thank you for talking with us, Madam Shylock.”

“Excuse me, Roving, but that playwright has a good point, but instead of the Congress being the joke, the joke, as it turns out, has been on the American people.”

“Excellent point: keep voting Democrat and keep getting taken advantage of. Seems pretty clear to me. And now I’m afraid that it’s that time, on behalf of the crew, when I wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

———————-

[*Russian Collusion: The whole Russian Collusion hoax was for one purpose and one purpose only: to keep the worldwide money-laundering scam flowing by getting rid of Trump.]

 [**Tibet: When I ran for president, a platform promise was to kick China out of Tibet.]

Fortune Teller” (2:47)

OPOVV

One Response to "The Funniest Play Ever Written (RR)"

  1. Madam Shylock   Sunday, September 15, 2019 at 11:22 AM

    Had Roving spent another couple of hundred dollars, I would have explained that the Democrats levy what I call the “Stupid Tax”, and here how it works.

    Rather than making the goal of government high school education so the students improve (with the goal being that our 18 year olds are the smartest in the world), we have reverted to ignoring the reasons why we’re not even in the top 20 countries.

    We have decided to increase teachers’ pay, the very same teachers who didn’t teach Johnny how to read (or speak); we have lowered the requirements for many occupations (we call it Affirmative Action); and many of us believe in the fairy tale that throwing good money after bad will garner good results, even thought the facts speak otherwise.

    We raised a nation of idiots. We elected an ineligible Muslim as our president for eight years; we have a Department of Homeland Security that hasn’t figured-out that Muslims are here to replace our Constitution with Sharia Law; and we allow CAIR to operate openly, using our own laws to require foot baths, prayer time, and government paid yearly rips to Mecca.

    And all this stupidity costs money, hence the name “Stupid Tax”. Now here’s my prediction: our stupidity will cost us dearly, as if it hasn’t all ready. Obama decimated our military (remember he wanted the Oath changed from serving the Constitution to “serving the president”?); the Joint Chief of Staff were coward by Obama so as not come to LTC Terry Lakin’s aid when he was railroaded in a kangaroo Court Martial; and for those who actually killed Muslims in Afghanistan, well, those are still rotting in the Leavenworth Federal Prison.

    So what will happen? What does our future look like? Well, what say you look at the hopefuls that want to replace Trump, and tell me what you see. I see failure all around; I see corruption on an unimaginative scale; I see taxes going through the roof; and, if that’s not bad enough, I see our 18 year olds getting even dumber than they already are.

    Madam Shylock

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