“DEFENSELESS AS THE CITY OF CHICAGO”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Oct. 18, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that lets it out of the bag for all to dissect: ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Excuse me, please: we’re getting a call direct from Washington. Hello? Oh, I was just doing the introduction. Yes, we’re all fine. We’re on the air. It’s Professor Zorkophsky. Yes, now. I’m putting you on speakerphone, okay?”
“Hello, Roving, crew, and dedicated viewers. I guess I called a little too early. Anyway, the news I have to report is that one of our governors has gone rogue, reliving the reason for the Civil War: States’ Rights.”
“Okay, that sounds ominous enough. Tell us the who, what and why.”
“The Governor of Oregon, Kate Brown, has fired the first shot on our Constitution since Fort Sumter was shelled in 1861. Let me figuratively put the governor on my psychiatrist’s couch for a moment.
“I’m going to hypnotize you. Keep your eyes on the moving pen. You are getting tired; you are tired; you are sleeping yet can hear my voice and answer my questions. Are you Robert E. Lee or Jefferson Davis?”
“I am the president of the Confederate States of America. I am the president of the Confederate States of America.”
“You said that. So what’s your beef?”
“I believe that only the criminals should be able to have the guns, besides our men in blue. I believe that the criminals are criminals only because of lack of opportunity.”
“You saying that young men can’t read and write because of, what did you say, ‘lack of opportunity?'”
“Yes.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Sure it does. You ever see a textbook written in Ebonics?”
“No.”
“Well, there you are.”
“So criminals can’t read and write because textbooks are in a foreign language – English — that they don’t speak; is that what you’re saying? So give them guns so they can make a living, is that it?”
“Yes, which is why I’m making it illegal for those who read and write in English to defend themselves.”
“You said that the police will be allowed to go into ANY HOUSE AT ANY TIME WITHOUT A WARRANT.”
“Yes.”
“But the honest citizen hasn’t broken any laws, so how do you think they’ll respond to some strangers breaking down his door at 3 o’clock in the morning? He’ll defend himself with his gun, don’t you see?”
“I understand; that’s why we need those guns, because the police are expected to face danger – that’s what they’re getting paid for – but the criminals are not on the clock, understand?”
“And that’s how I would envision a session with the governor of Oregon would go. My prognosis is that she has illusions of grandeur by being Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederate States of America; advocate of States’ Rights; the champion of the disenfranchised; and a latent serial killer of police.”
“That bad?”
“That bad. Think about it: no one in America is going to give up their Second Amendment rights, no way. And when they say they’ll only give up their guns when it’s pried from their cold, dead hands, well, they’re telling the truth. Imagine a whole state being as defenseless as the city of Chicago; Oregon turned into a training ground for thieves, rapists and murderers.
“Muslims would flock to Oregon and build multiple armories (aka mosques) until the whole state became Is-lamo-gon. Envision the police stopping and searching any vehicle at any time in order to confiscate weapons. Boats on the Columbia River searched without warrants; cars and 18-wheelers on the Interstate. A Totalitarian dream come true, all because the governor, Kate Brown, lost her marbles.”
“Well, thank you for such an insightful report, chock-full of psychiatric jargon. And that’ll do it for tonight and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Lazy River” (2:36)