“SOPHOMORIC”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Dec. 29, 2016) — [Note to the readers: we had a lot of calls to the office about our cameraman and sound-boom girl being gypped out of their burgers yesterday, as if it were some kind of union requirement. It is not. I buy the crew burgers because they do a stellar job by making my job as easy as pie. After interviewing Professor Zorkophsky, Chief New Leaf stopped by in his sumptuous RV and treated us all to a cookout right there on campus under the oak trees. It was a pleasant surprise enjoyed by all.]
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that just lays it out for you to decide. Hello, my name is Roving Reporter and I’ll be your host for tonight’s show. For those of you who aren’t familiar with how we do things around here, we waylay unsuspecting people going about their day and ask them what’s on their minds. And here comes one now.
“Hello, sir, Roving here for ‘Pulse.’ What’s going on with you today?”
“Oh, hello, Roving. I’ll tell you what’s going on. I have to go to work today, thanks to Kerry.”
“Why’s that?”
“Kerry gave a talk this morning which redefined the definition of the word ‘delusional.’ Our company always takes the month of December off, but thanks to Kerry’s childish, sophomoric and simpleton speech I have to go in to work.”
“And what dictionary would that be?”
“The ‘Video Dictionary of Common Sense.’ We also support the removal of each and every Muslim from the Middle East, which we know probably won’t happen, but we can dream, can’t we?”
“You mean Palestinians?”
“Look: there’s no such thing as a ‘Palestinian,’ okay? It’s a made-up word for a made-up people. They don’t exist. If you insist, then they are a bunch of Muslims who all they think about is ‘No Jew between me and the sea,’ you got that? It’s a group of people made up of three distinct terrorist organizations who kill Jews, Christians and all the other Infidels. Here’s my train. Bye.”
“Thanks for talking with us. Well, you have to agree with him, don’t you? The whole population surrounding Israel, with the exception of the Christians, wants the total destruction of Israel. Heck, no matter where a Muslim may live they want to kill all of us nonbelievers, starting with the Jews.
“What is it with these Muslims, anyway? You’d think they’d get over it after 1,400 years, wouldn’t you? Remember the other day when Professor Zorkophsky introduced us to the ‘Stupid Gene’ hidden in our DNA? Looks to me like the Muslims have that gene in spades, and Kerry, too.
“The fact of the matter is that as long as the Muslims enjoy murdering all the rest of us, there will be no ‘peace’ in the Middle East, let alone allowing Israel to exist in peace. Not going to happen, and if anyone says it’ll happen, as Kerry did today, they are, like the man said, ‘delusional.’
“If anyone ever wondered why Kerry never made president, wonder no more. Forget this ‘2-STATE’ solution. There is no ‘solution.’ Let me put it to you this way: as long as the Muslims say, ‘No Jew between me and the sea,’ there will NEVER be a ‘solution.’ I must say, I feel very uncomfortable using the word ‘Jew’ and the word ‘solution’ in the same editorial.
“And one last thing: I support Donald Trump in his backing of Israel and when (and if) the United States goes to war with any Muslim country, I hope by then Trump will have kicked any and all Muslims out of our military. Mothers have lost sons, wives have lost husbands and children have lost fathers because our military has been so stupid as to have Muslims within our ranks. Remember Kuwait and Fort Hood?
“Oh my, I just rambled along, didn’t I? Our time is up and so, on behalf of my crew, thank you for watching, and I wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”