“THE IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE DAY”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Dec. 17, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the provocative news show of the times. Hello. I’m your Roving Reporter and will be your host for this evening’s edition. You regular viewers will recognize the umbrella on the corner across from the railroad station, where we hope to waylay unsuspecting people minding their own business.
“And speaking of unsuspecting people… Excuse me, Miss, Roving here for ‘Pulse.’”
“I know who you are; watch you every night. You used to be on satellite, didn’t you? What happened with that?”
“They wanted editorial control, is what. Wasn’t allowed to bring up the BIRTH CERTIFICATE issue, for one. Okay, here’s the question of the day: What’s the top of the news these days?”
“I’d have to ask how stupid do they think we are? I mean, if the Russians could control the outcome of an American presidential election, they sure as heck wouldn’t pick Trump over Hillary, now would they? They already have 20% of our uranium supply, so with a little more bribe money they could get another 20% easy, for sure; maybe more.
“They couldn’t put anything over Trump, I’d bet my life on that. Hillary? Don’t make me laugh:’ Oh, Hillary, we promise to use the uranium for peaceful purposes.’ Right, just as the Iranians plan to do.
“It would be like you just got named the world champion boxer and have to defend your title between Mike Tyson and Pee Wee Herman Or you have to be in a gunfight and have to choose between Matt Dillon and Don Knotts.”
“Yes, yes: we get it. But about half of Americans are really stupid, why; just look at all those dumb people who voted for Hillary in the first place, right? So maybe they really believe that she’d be a better choice.
“Let’s see: open borders vs. a wall; amnesty vs. deporting illegal immigrants; no more Muslim ‘migrants’ vs. untold how many eager, ready and willing to behead you and your family. This requires some deep thought, now, doesn’t it?”
“I’m sorry, but there’s my train. Bye.”
“Thanks for talking with us. Hey, hello. Roving here for ‘Pulse.’ Got any Eric Holder jokes?”
“Matter-of-fact, I do, but they’re not really that funny.”
“Okay, how about the important news of the day, then?”
“China stealing drones? Does that count?”
“Sure, we can count that, just as we can count on Obama drawing another ‘Red Line,’ but this time on water.”
“Just as meaningful.”
“My point.”
“There’s my train.”
“Time for one more? Oh, my, a couple of out-of-towners. Let me guess: Wisconsin?”
“No, but close: Minnesota. We’ve a turkey farm. Look, the voters in St. Paulstan all voted for Hillary, like even all the dead cats and dogs voted. A landslide for Hillary, but that doesn’t really represent the state. Matter-of-fact, every state that touches Minnesota went ‘Trump,’ which makes it pretty darn embarrassing for us. When we retire we’re moving to Florida, a state that went ‘Trump.’
“Just to let you city folk know we’re not hicks, I brought along a video for your viewing and listening pleasure, compliments of the farmers from ‘The Land of a Thousand Lakes.’ I hope your audience enjoys it, I mean, their kids. And here’s our train. Off to see your wonderful museums. Bye.”
“Goodbye, and thank you for talking with us. Enjoy your stay in our fine city. Remember, round-chambered, safety ‘ON.’ And that’s all the time for today. Thank you for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Let’s play that video while we chomp on some burgers: my treat.”