The Magic Number (RR)

WHO CASTS THE VOTES?

by OPOVV, ©2016

(Sep. 2, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and a hearty welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that not only entertains but is informative as well. Hello, I’m Chief New Leaf and will be your host for this evening’s performance. Our format is really straightforward: we stop people walking down this sidewalk and ask them a question.

“And here comes our first of the day. Hello, Miss, Chief New Leaf here for ‘Pulse.’ Got a minute to answer a question for our viewers?”

“What’s with the rifle? You going to shoot me if I answer it wrong?”

“No, no. This is not a quiz show. All we do is ask a question and you tell us your opinion, that’s all. There’s no ‘right or wrong’ answer. All we’re interested in is your opinion, okay?”

“Sounds okay. What’s the question?”

“Who will be electing our next president?”

“Why, what a simple question. Why, it’s the people: the ones who’ll vote; cast a ballot, and I so hope it’s for Hillary, our first woman president. Am I right?”

“Wrong answer. Sorry about that.”

“Well, I never! I was going to say I liked watching your show, but now I’m not going to say that. You lied to me, you, you, you forked-tongue Indian.”

“Calm down, Lady. Look, you answered the question incorrectly, but there’s no prizes awarded anyway, so it’s okay, alright?”

“I’ll sue you, is what I’ll do. “Is that gun loaded?”

“Now that’s one stupid question. What good is an unloaded gun? I suppose you have a gun in that purse: is it unloaded? Look, you answered the question incorrectly, that’s all, but don’t feel bad: 99% of the population gets it wrong. Look, just stand to the side and we’ll ask this man who’s walking up the same question and you’ll see what I mean.”

“Excuse me, sir, Chief New Leaf here for ‘Pulse.’ Want to answer the question of the day for our viewers?”

“Be glad to, Chief. By the way, is that gun loaded? And what’s with the buckskins? Is that supposed to be a chief’s outfit? I thought chiefs wore headdresses, am I right?”

“Look, I don’t want to seem rude or anything, but since we’re pressed for time can you just answer the question of the day?”

“Well, maybe yes and then again, maybe no. What do I get if I answer the question correctly? Do I get a new car?”

“See, I told you. Mister, this Chief said there were no incorrect answers, but then he said I answered his stupid question wrong.”

“Lady, I’ll handle this. The question is who elects the president?”

“Why, that’s an easy question: a piece of cake.”

“Wrong answer: ‘a piece of cake.’”

“You’ll see I ain’t no lady when I sue you for every feather in your bonnet.”

“Lady, you ever hear of a ‘figure of speech’? Okay, Mister, so ‘piece of cake’ wasn’t your real answer. I thought I was making a joke.”

“Listen, you two. The correct answer is the Electoral College, of which there are 538 members. And they may, or even more importantly, MAY NOT, vote for who they have been instructed to vote for. Even if 100% of the people vote for Trump, Hillary could still legally win the election.”

“Good answer.”

“I’m so glad. You mean we vote to suggest that our Electoral College representative votes for who we want – would wish for — them to vote for, but there’s no guarantee? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Bingo.”

“Bingo?”

“That’s a fact, ma’am.”

“You are a rude and obnoxious Indian. You are a perfect replacement for that Mr. Roving Reporter.”

“He is, isn’t he? Hey, what do you say we go into this café and talk about your lawsuit? I can be a witness.”

“And off the lovebirds go. So what just happened? Has our format changed? Are we going to become one of those shows watched by overweight women with curlers in their hair, wearing faded pink-threadbare-robes with purple bunny slippers? Oh, look, the talking dog just showed up. Hello, calm and normal Vietnam Veteran. Care to be on our show? You know, we’ve received quite a bit of mail requesting your presence, so I’m glad you showed up.”

“Funny, the dog here says you don’t sound so glad. Plus, the dog says you didn’t receive diddly ‘requests.’ But that’s okay: we can take a joke. Actually, we kind-of like dry American Indian humor: reminds me of Boot Camp. So, I saw a couple just walk away preening like a couple of lovebirds. What are you, a ‘Heathen Matchmaker’?”

“Yes, you’ve got it: I’m a ‘Heathen Matchmaker.’ Now, back to the question of the day: who will be electing the next president?”

“Learned that one in high school: the Electoral College is the correct answer.”

“Give that man a prize. Figure of speech, mind you.”

“We were thinking of joining you for a burger. And the dog just wants to remind people that we should be pressing to audit the Federal Reserve Bank, since everyone here seems to be making jokes.”

“Yes, of course, we’ll buy you a burger. Now if you’ll just step aside, please, I’ll sign off. Hope you enjoyed our show and learned something of our electoral process. It’s not the popular vote that counts, it’s the ballots cast by the 538 members of the Electoral College that count; remember that. Actually, that’s pretty darn important, so my question is why haven’t any of these Electoral College members been on TV? Heck, we don’t even know their names; you’d think that such important people would be in the spotlight, at least in the shadows, wouldn’t you? I mean, they’re supposed to vote for whomever the popular vote goes for but, then again, maybe not, and it’s the ‘maybe not’ that scares the dickens out of me, and you, too.

“So the magic number, the only number that we should be concerned about, is 538, the number of Electoral College votes that can be cast. I see that our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Great show, guys. Burgers for all: my treat.”

It Doesn’t Matter Anymore

OPOVV