“COUNTING THE VOTES HONESTLY”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Aug. 21, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show tonight. Hello, I’m Chief New Leaf for ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ We’re back under the awning about to ask our fellow citizens what’s going on in our lives.
“Excuse me, sir, Chief New Leaf here.”
“How, Chief. Wife and I like your show. Watch it every night. What’s the question for the day?”
“None other than what’s going on in your household these days?”
“You really want to know?”
“Sure do. Go ahead and tell us.”
“Okay, I’m a retired attorney for the State of Minnesota. Wife and I are in town to visit the daughter. So we were talking the other night; actually we were talking at a nice restaurant, the XXXX on XXXX Street, where we were politely asked to leave.
“Oh, look, I’ve got it in my pocket. Imagine that. It’s the napkin that I had; well, the extra napkin since the table was set for four. See? I wrote on it to prove my point.
“Can I show it on TV? Okay, look here: I’ve got two columns, and if you’re a salesman you’d be familiar with the Ben Franklin closing, where you list the pros and cons.
“Point #1: Wife is okay with 60-year-old men marrying ten-year-old little girls, as long as it’s consensual with the groom and the Imam; I don’t agree. I say the daughter can marry whomever and whenever she wants to.
“Point #2: Wife wants the thrill of wearing hijab and burqa; I say no way, no how. None of this burkini https://images.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search;_ylt=AwrTccZu2blXX48AF60nnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTEzczJpOWYwBGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMyBHZ0aWQDRkZVSUMwXzEEc2VjA3Nj?p=Burkini&fr=yhs-mozilla-001&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-001 stupidity, okay?
“Point #3: Wife thinks it should be the husband’s decision whether the daughter should go to school, but she would prefer that the daughter stay home to scrub the floors and other labor-intensive activities; I say my daughter MUST go to school, like it or not, to be able to read and write and do sums at the minimum.
“Point #4: Wife supports the tradition of throwing gays and lesbians off of tall buildings; I say no to that idea.
“Point #5: It’s okay for a man (husband/brother/son/relative) to beat a woman as long as they don’t leave marks that the hijab or burqa don’t cover; I say a man shouldn’t hit a woman.
“Point #6: Wife reserves the right to be ‘offended’ by Jewish synagogues and Christian churches; I say she’s nuts.
“Point #7: Wife thinks of Obama as ‘the first black president’; I say he’s a Muslim.
“Our daughter called me an ‘ogre’ and started crying, at which point my wife stood up and stammered and stuttered and started screaming at me, at which point my daughter jumped on her chair and joined my wife. That’s when the sommelier came up to the table presenting the bottle, at which point my wife grabbed it by the neck and smashed it on the table, which is why the bottom of the napkin is stained red since we were having Kobe beef steaks.”
“Ah, well, I really don’t know what to say.”
“I do. I say my wife deserves to wear the burqa. She says ‘First woman president’ and I say ‘equality over gender,’ but it falls on deaf ears. There’s my train. I’m spending the day at the museum. Bye. Oh, one more thing.
“Look, I’m a retired state employee, so pay attention: the greatest enemy our country has, at this time, is the DOJ, and I’ll tell you why: they look the other way during voter fraud cases. They don’t care about the Constitution and have no fidelity to the oath they took to the Constitution.
“Why? Because they’re the agents of our enemy, that’s why. They could’ve and SHOULD’VE vetted Obama but didn’t; remember that. Got to run. Bye.”
“Bye. I wonder how long that marriage will last? Who is next? Oh, hello, miss, where you off to today?”
“My friend and I are on our way to the Art Museum.”
“Enjoy yourselves, but first I’ve a question for you: who you going to vote for?”
“It’s not as much as who but what. Look, we’re single women, and even though we carry weapons we’d feel a lot safer with fewer illegal immigrants and Muslims in our country, so obviously we’re voting for Trump. And that’s our train. Bye. Enjoy your show, by the way.”
“Okay, then, thank you for talking with us. I see that our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, guys. So the key is counting the votes honestly. Fat chance, you think? One of these days we’ll have one of those Kobe burgers. I’ve had Kobe steaks and, you know what? The fat is as good as the meat, believe it or not. Anyway, burger time: my treat.”