“ADMITTING DEFEAT BEFORE THE WAR IS FOUGHT”
by OPOVV, ©2015
(Oct. 8, 2015) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’re here at one of the many government annexes scattered throughout our city with Major Max Günter, which isn’t his or her real name. Max’s voice is going through one of those machines that makes him sound like Darth Vader on Novacaine.
“Welcome to our show, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ You called our office and said you had some rather interesting and startling information to share with us. Okay, we’re all ears.”
“And thank you for having me, Roving. You mind if I say ‘Hi’ to my mother?”
“No! No, please, please show a smidgen of decorum. Why, if we let everyone give a salutation to someone, the whole show would be nothing but ‘Hey, how ’yas doin’?’ Can’t have that.
“Excuse me. What’s that? Oh, our sound lady just suggested that we have a show with people just communicating with others on television. What about the internet? Not television? Oh, you want other people to watch and know that you said ‘Hello’ to your mother. Maybe limit it to mothers only? Let’s talk about it over burgers after the show.
“Sorry about that. Go ahead, say ‘Hello’ to you poor dear mother.”
“I’ve changed my mind. What I called you about is that this Division of the Army deals with the history of women in combat, which is why our arm patches show Joan of Arc standing with a sword, but upon reflection instead of a sword she should be holding a rolling pin.
“Allow me to explain before we have women’s groups yelling at me. They’ll become unglued about the rolling pin but not about ‘honor killings’ or boyfriends and husbands beating the living daylights out of them. How do you figure that?”
“I don’t know, and believe me, we’ve brainstormed that subject over many a burger. They never say one word about the Muslim savages, about Islam’s role in subjugating women to a second-class status, behind camels and automobiles, lawnmowers and easy chairs, decapitating Christians and kicking dogs. All we’ve ever come up with is that it’s a shelter for psychos, run by psychos for psychos.
“Getting back to why you called us?”
“Right. In a nutshell: there are five stages of womanhood.
Stage One: childhood is ‘Mother-in-Training.’ That’s why little girls play with dolls and boys don’t.
Stage Two: ‘About to get Pregnant,’ which is probably the most important stage of a woman’s life because she is about to allow our species to continue. She is keeping her womb safe for a baby.
Stage Three: ‘Motherhood,’ which is the pregnancy and the raising of the child to adolescence.
Stage Four: called ‘The Gaggle,’ which is when all females of any age gather and discuss any number of issues, usually, but not exclusively, related to child rearing.
Stage Five: ‘Grandmother-hood’ very well may be the most important of them all, for it is the grandmother who corrects the mistakes of role-playing in Stage One; proper etiquette in choosing a mate in Stage Two; assisting the mother in delivering, nursing and rearing a child in Stage Three; and being the Sage in Stage Four.
“Our conclusion is by allowing Stage Two women in combat, a country is admitting defeat even before the war is fought. Stage Two women are a country’s most valuable asset because it is they, and only they, who can raise future warriors for tomorrow’s wars.
“And that’s all I’ve got to say about that. This is not company policy these days, you know. This Administration is systematically going about weakening our military year by year, month by month, and allowing females in front-line combat roles is just one of the many ways America is being weakened.
“Thank you for having me on your show to be able to speak the Truth, even if I have to do it incognito because of the wrath of the Obots in the government. You see, they want us to fail, fail on all levels, and women in combat is just one of many, but perhaps it’s the most telling of them all.”
“And thank you for being so bold as to speak with us. This is Roving saying goodnight. Goodnight.
“Well, crew, what do you say we grab a burger on the way back to the shop? My treat. Women in combat; pregnant women, or, how did he put it, ‘About to become pregnant’ or the ‘possibility to bear a child.’ Anyway, my treat.”