“YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL NUTS”
by OPOVV, ©2015
(Jul. 2, 2015) — “Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and do we ever have a show for you tonight. We’re on our way to a Navy base where, what? Campus? What campus? You mean it’s not a ‘base’, it’s a campus? Since when? Obama? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Mind getting closer so we can fit you in the picture? And you are?”
“Lt. Cmdr. Nichols, Public Relations Officer for the ‘Great Lakes Welcoming Center for Government Employees Who Aren’t Afraid of Getting Wet’. No, not really, that’s just my private little joke. What it’s really called is ‘Great Lakes Naval Welcoming Center for Government Employees’.
“Well, we’ve arrived. Hey, everyone, we’re here. Let’s all meet in the lobby and I’ll go over the schedule.”
“Arrived? It says ‘Holiday Inn’. I thought I was supposed to go through Boot Camp.”
“Yes, yes, and you are. No, we’re on the campus now and this is how we welcome our guests. We wouldn’t want to scare anyone away. No, you stay here for a week and then you move over to the ‘Super 8’ down the street, see, over there, and that’s where you get your uniforms and your identification tags.”
“You mean ‘Dog Tags’?”
“No, no. We can’t call them that anymore because we wouldn’t want to offend anyone, if you get what I mean.”
“Did you just wink at me?”
“No, no. Something was in my eye.”
“There! You just did it again, twice!”
“No, you’re mistaken. We welcome everyone.
“Okay, everyone, listen up!, if you would, please. We’ve a lot to do and there’s always so little time. First, let me introduce myself. I’m Lt. Cmdr. Nichols and I’ll be your host for a couple of weeks. No, there are no DI’s anymore; that’s ‘Drill Instructor.’
“Okay. First, room service closes at 10:00 p.m. sharp. Second, the bar closes at 8:00 p.m.. If you don’t leave your shoes out in the hall, they won’t be shined come morning. No, it’s not 2200 or 2000 hrs anymore. We keep time just like all the other government agencies.
“We’ve got to teach you in the ways of the government, so tomorrow’s class will be to fill out the paperwork for your ‘US Government Union’ card. Here, I’ll just read off the list here:
Day 2: Classes on accepting people from different faiths and political backgrounds.
Day 3: Classes in the Quran.
Day 4: What the Sharia can do for you.
Day 5: The history of the United Nations and what role it provides in spreading ‘The Sharia’.
“Now, if you want to go to any religious service at any time, you may, except Christians and Jews, of course.
“And then in the weeks ahead, you’ll learn all about same-sex marriage, why the Constitution needs to be rewritten to reflect today’s values, and why our system of government is repressive to those who wish to take advantage of our welfare system, not to mention our friends from the Middle East, excepting Christians and Jews, of course.
“There’ll be ballet and hand jester lessons, wig-care lessons, how to fix a popped button and the usual sewing and home economic classes, with emphasis on dusting and vacuuming.”
“Hold it! Hold it right there. There’s no way I’m staying in this loony bin one more second. This is what our military has sunk to?”
“We like to think of it as ‘progressive’ indoctrination.”
“No way. I quit. I’m out of here. You people are all nuts. Where in the heck do you learn how to shoot a .45 and a M16? Or tie knots? Or tread water for an hour? Or fight fires aboard a ship; the different classes of fire? First aid? CPR? How to navigate? How to judge the wind by the waves? How to read a sextant in case the GPS fails? What the Lee-Helmsman does, the proper way to be a Watch Officer, and how to stay as far away from a carrier that you can get away with, because carriers turn at a moment’s whim in order to launch and recover their birds. No, me and my crew have had enough of this ‘political correctness’ hogwash. Hog, hog, hog. Rhymes with dog, dog, dog. You people allow Muslims to be in the military and you all go bananas. We’re gone. At least call them ‘Dog Tags’, for Pete’s sake.
“Taxi! Taxi! Wow, do you believe that? Well, viewers, if that wasn’t crazy, I just don’t know what is. Do you believe that? Our military. Ha! Look, he gave me a brochure, and on page 7 it says, ‘Hey, camera guy, focus on this: The word “marching” will hereby be replaced with “prancing”.’ There, as if we needed proof. Our military is going down, and ever since the trial of LTC Terry Lakin right down the tubes quickly. Unbelievable.
“Taxi driver, take us back to the studio; no, take us to the train station. But you know what? Maybe the military started its slippery slope downhill when it changed its name from the ‘Department of War’ to the ‘Department of Defense’, way before Obama.
“I’ll tell you all something, a real fact of life. I and a couple of other guys were in a situation where if we relied on defense to save us we’d be all dead. Instead, we went on the offense and, as they say, the rest is history. If I were president I’d change the name back to the ’Department of WAR’, as it should be.
“Well, I’ll either get fired or get a pay raise from this segment. Be positive: get those Muslims O-U-T- of our military; now doesn’t that make sense or what? Thanks for watching, and until next time, this is your Roving Reporter signing off. Goodnight.”
“Whew! What a show. Bunch of idiots. You guys okay? Good work on the camera, and you did a great job with the sound boom, especially when that Lt. Cmdr. was going through his ridiculous list, ‘emphasis on dusting and vacuuming’. Ha! Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Bet our ratings go through the roof.”