THE FUTURE OF AMERICA?
by OPOVV, ©2014
(Sep. 13, 2014) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, do we ever have a show for you. Hello, my name is Roving Reporter, and for the first time we’re coming to you live from our radio and television studios right here in the smack center of downtown. Let me explain the format. We’ll have two guests from the other side, I mean, people who hold a different viewpoint from mine. So, let’s meet our first guest, and his name is Mohammed Mohammed, a legal immigrant (so he claims) from Somalia.”
“Welcome, Mr. Mohammed, and who is this you have with you?”
“I sister of Mohammed Mohammed: interpret for my brother.”
“Fine. Okay. Ah, I’d ask you your name but I’m afraid of the answer. By the way, what’s the blue sheet over you? How come you’re all covered-up, you cold or something?”
“It is the way. It is called a burqa. We Muslim women wear it because we all so beautiful and any exposed skin will drive men wild and force them to rape us, then bring dishonor upon our families and then they’d be forced to behead us in an ‘honor killing.’ But maybe we have five witnesses to the rape and then our families wouldn’t have to ‘honor kill.’”
“What, you mean to tell me if a Muslim woman gets raped then her family beheads her?”
“It is so. Why, just a little while ago a burglar snuck into my uncle’s house and came across my cousin, who wasn’t covered, so he was forced to rape her. My uncle and aunt came home early and caught their daughter conducting the dishonor, so they killed her, cut her head off right then.”
“What? But what about the guy who broke into the house, what about the thief? What happened to him?”
“Oh, him? He held her arms while my aunt got the knife from the kitchen and then held my cousin’s legs while my uncle cut her head off, so family honor was upheld. They receive great respect.”
“But what happened to the burglar? What about him?”
“Oh, he wasn’t a real burglar, no, he was a neighbor. He broke in to the house when he saw my uncle and aunt leave for the store, so nothing happened to him, except my uncle make him pay for new window in laundry room. So it all ended well.”
“Except your cousin was murdered, that’s all.”
“No. Not murder; ‘honor kill.’ My cousin wasn’t following the law, that is all.”
“But she was inside her house! You mean, you wear that outfit all of the time?”
“Not all of the time. But she could’ve and should’ve been attired properly just the same, so the burglar neighbor had no choice: she forced him to beat her and rape her.”
“That’s horrible. How old was she?”
“That’s why my uncle and aunt went to the store, to buy her a present. It was her birthday. She just turned 14.”
“My God, you people are something else. Ask your brother what he does for a living, will you, please?”
“He say he is a very good cab driver, but business isn’t so good. He just sits in car all day, don’t take no fare. And who can blame him? He doesn’t speak the language, so he is forced to be shamed into taking your government handout money, food, apartment, and full dental/medical. He is suing city for not providing a translator so he can provide for his wives and the little ones.”
“Hold on there. Cab driver who can’t speak English; many wives; many kids, and all on welfare?”
“He says he doesn’t like this called ‘welfare.’ He says is what America owes him. He says two of his wives live in different apartment complexes. He is very sad man. He wants a young beautiful blue-eyed blonde interpreter who will sleep in apartment next door so she is available whenever he, ah, needs to work because cab hours are never predictable: he never knows when he’ll get a fare and how long the drive may take.”
“Look, give my thanks to Mohammed Mohammed for being on the show. My word, do you believe that? And here’s our next guest, Pedro Pedro, and I’m not making this up. I wish I were. Hello, Mr. Pedro Pedro. And who is this lovely young lady with you?”
“This ‘lovely young lady’ is his daughter, Mr. Gringo. I know all about you, that’s why we have Tijuana and Juarez and all the other sleazy border towns: so you Gringos can cheat on your girlfriends and wives and act like animals. Animals! Ask your question.”
“When I interviewed for this job I never expected this. Okay, Mr. Pedro Pedro, how come you people never donate body organs but you sure like to get them?”
“My father he says you think guest workers are dumb but that is not true. He says gringos drink milk and take vitamins while his country the people have to drink cerveza and tequila and forced to take siestas and can’t afford vitamins because they are too drunk and lazy to work, thanks to the gringos. He says he wouldn’t want a donated organ from one from his country: he just will take the prime organ. He says that’s how we’ll take America back, by sitting back and watching the gringos get killed for their organs.”
“What’s this ‘take America back’ nonsense?”
“My father says this land his land before the white man stole it.”
“Tell your father that this land was never his, that it belonged to the American Indian, and that there is no connection whatsoever with an American Indian and a Mexican unless you go back 3.2 million years to Lucy.”
“Excuse me, folks, but my producer is indicating that we’ve run out of time. Well, now, we learned a few things, one about ‘honor murders’ and so much for any altruistic behavior from our illegal immigrants. That does it for this week. See you, same time, same station, next week. This is Roving Reporter signing off for ‘The Other Side.’ Bye!”